‘Active on LinkedIn’: Top 10 red flags to watch out for at Cambridge University

Valentine’s is fast approaching. Mainsbury’s have stocked up on sappy cards and chocolates, and restaurants all around Cambridge have begun offering their ridiculously overpriced Valentine’s Day dinners. It’s a day of love, of romance, of happy couples holding hands as they walk by the River Cam.

However, it’s also the day of cold feet and apprehension; the day of bitterness and loneliness. This article is written for those who fall in those latter categories. If you’re questioning whether you’ve really met “the one”, or if you’re reminiscing on past romances and need a sharp reminder of why you’re better off single – I have the perfect list for you.

Here is a definitive list of the top 10 Cambridge red flags. Read at your own risk.

1. Going to Trinity and John’s

I know, I know – I’m shamelessly indulging in reductive college stereotypes which aren’t representative of the entire student body. Nevertheless, I think it’s still fair to say that while it is certainly not all Trinity and John’s students, it is somehow always a Trinity or John’s student. 

2. Rowed more than one term

If, as an ignorant fresher, you found yourself lured by the promises of boat club dinner and the enthusiasm of the team captains, you are forgiven. Choosing to continue the self-inflicted torture that is 6am wake ups and 2k Erg tests, however, is a worrying sign of psychological instability. 

3. Active on LinkedIn

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If your beloved has over 200 connections, or “enjoy Zip as their daily boost”, I would strongly recommend caution. If they regularly post and comment, please remove yourself from the situation as soon as it is safe to do so. 

4. Owns niche college merch

A puffer is just about acceptable, but what possible reason could anyone possibly have for owning a college tie or cufflinks?

5. Regularly Vois 

A cheeky Voi ride every now and then is perfectly respectable. However, if voiing has made its way into your daily commute, maybe take a step back and reconsider. Have you ever considered buying a bike? 

6. Cambridge University in the Instagram bio

We get it, you go here. Congratulations! Have you ever thought about developing any other aspect of your personality?

7. Submits essays more than three days in advance

This one is driven more by fear than disgust. How do you do it? What are your secrets? What kind of person are you? Are you even human?

8. Owns a quarterzip

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory; anyone who cosplays as a London finance bro at the age of 19 cannot be trusted. Goldman Sachs doesn’t want you, and neither do we. 

9. Writes for another student newspaper

There can be no defence for someone choosing to write for an obviously inferior student publication. (Sorry, couldn’t resist not including this one! All love x)

10. Regular at Wednesday Revs

There’s nothing wrong with being a club rat. In fact, I am in awe of the regular clubber’s commitment to enjoying life regardless of their 9am supo the following morning. But there’s something unnerving about choosing to queue up every Wednesday night for the same fresher-dominated dance floor. Why not switch it up? Go to Kiki’s, Mash, Junction or even (dare I say it) Vinyl. 

I apologise deeply if these red flags have triggered any traumatic recollections of past situationships; you have my deepest sympathies. If, however, you find yourself observing one or more of these practices, I would recommend some serious self-reflection this Valentine’s.

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