Skip the clichés, here’s what your crappy choice of British coffee chain says about your vibe

Amidst exam season and dissertation drafting (or maybe even submitting if you haven’t begged for an extension), caffeinated beverages are going to keep you going until the early hours of the morning. And, for those of you who want to maybe get your steps in or fancy a walk outside of Student Union cafes, you’ll be enjoying a British coffee shop chain. But have you ever thought about what vibe your choice entails? Don’t worry, we’ll tell you now…

1. Gails

There are a number of reasons why you shouldn’t be at Gails, and it’s not just the pricey croissant, but for those of you who do: How does it feel to be in that tax bracket? The new re-branding of round take-away iced cups are as funky as a coffee chain gets, and the borekita deal makes you think it’s actually a bargain. But to be quite frank, the Gails vibe just lets everyone know you plan to be a yummy mummy or a finance daddy. It’s one or the other, you choose your player.

2. Blank Street

So, you’re either a girl who loves matcha and keeps up with the latest TikTok trends, has really shiny hair and glowing skin and probably wears perfume that is so nice people stop to ask where it’s from. Or, you’re a man who probably has a crush on that girl, doesn’t realise the coffee is made by a machine, or pretends to read in public and takes up female occupations. I fear I am the former, as I should be.

3. Starbucks

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Ok, so I have a question, what are you doing here? Do people still go here? Surely not. The vibe is giving stuck in a time and place where ignorance was in; it’s not anymore. Hey, maybe you like the cake pops and caramel waffles, or a good frap. Whatever your decision making process is, the vibe is giving international student who doesn’t ask how much it is but asks for two extra shots.

4. Costa

Costa is an interesting choice. The Mango and Passion Fruit Cooler is good, and the wraps don’t miss. But the vibe is giving you’ll probably see someone argue with a barista in here, or you’ll be the one doing so. You’ve probably been too scared to venture into more rogue territories and that’s fine, but maybe consider it; change is okay!

5. Caffe Nero

Your vibe is honestly safe. I feel safe around you. You give new things a try. You don’t care for material wealth. You just want what you want and that’s great. Keep doing what you’re doing!

6. Black Sheep

Okay, okay! We get it! It does good student deals! You don’t need to tell me every time you get a matcha on a Monday. But still, you’re grinding to save your pennies. You like to save money so you can travel this summer and throw away all the academic stress you had been holding on to. Keep slaying but maybe just keep it to yourself a bit more.

7. Pret

You had the subscription, now you share it with someone, or are begging people to share it with you. You definitely don’t drink coffee that much, or know the quality of it, because every time you have a burnt one you think that’s how it should be. You’re complacent, that’s cool. You like the bargain of a subscription or maybe just the Swedish meatball wrap. Enjoy it.

Whilst you may think me harsh or bias, I fear the truth has been laid out before you. Vibes are important things to consider, especially when you’re walking through halls of students perfecting their critical thinking skills; you don’t want to be their next source for analysis. But what’s important is: Vibes can change, I guess…