A definitive ranking of Bible-bashing campus preachers based on how horny they are

Campus preachers are the horniest people at your school


Is it just me, or are campus preachers – those guys who stand around your school yelling about jacking off – really, really horny? They travel from college to college, trying to spread the word of God, but end up talking a lot about porn, gay sex and fornication. Just look at their signs denouncing the delicious evils of sex and masturbation – campus preachers are practically salivating at the thought.

So we looked at the top traveling preachers from across America, and ranked them on just how horny they are.

Brother Micah

A brother who has found his life calling to be a horny preacher, Micah calls himself a "homophobe" and will sing "The Homo Song" – a tuneless, hopeless verse that goes like this:

He sings it on request and it goes like this:

It's not OK to be gay

God says that it's a big no-no

It's not supposed to be that way

"Women have two places: In front of the sink and behind the vacuum," he once told a crowd.

HORNY PREACHER RATING: 6/10

Pastor Aiden

Aiden, a known cretin, has spent time around Philadelphia to tell women they "shouldn't be college educated." He has hornily denounced porn and masturbators.

Thieves, fornicators, drunkards, potheads, porno freaks, the effeminate, and "all liars" are also on his very aroused list. Aiden has spent some time at Temple and Penn to foam about the evils of the world. Oh, and he also said people who are Jewish are "going to hell." Thanks.

HORNY PREACHER RATING: 7/10

Brother Mikhail

AKA "The Russian Street Preacher" – recently seen getting owned by a student with bagpipes at Ball State, Brother Mikhail travels from college to college with this extremely horny sign.

Image courtesy of Max Lewis

Image courtesy of Max Lewis

Just in case that photo isn't clear, Brother Mikhail doesn't like: "Fornicators, adulterers, sodomites, lesbians, fellatists, masturbators, vixens, porno freaks, drunkards, idolaters, hypocrites, self-absorbed, pot-heads, baby murderers, feminists, gossips, liars, non-Christians." He's basically quivering with excitement.

For reference, Brother Mikhail is a Donald Trump admirer and thinks all illegal immigrants should be deported ("Jesus would say the same," he told The Tab), is no stranger to being mocked. Earlier this summer, a UCSD student named Jerry Ramirez stood up on the trash can next to him and repeated everything he said.

Sample dialogue:

Mikhail: “Theater is infested with the gays.”

Jerry: “Infested!”

Mikhail: “Just because you major in theater does not mean you’re gay.”

Jerry: “However if you do major in theater, you might not be gay it’s just a higher possibility!”

He also told women at Ohio State to "dress themselves in modest apparel" – presumably a ploy to get students to get take their clothes off which is exactly what went down.

HORNY PREACHER RATING: 10/10

Brother Dean

If "blessed are the meek" was a key lesson of Jesus Christ, then Brother Dean is going straight to hell because he once arrested for kicking a girl in the chest. Dean Saxton, a former University of Arizona student, who was nabbed wearing a sweater that had the word "homo" underneath a banned sign.

Mackenzie Brandt, the student who was assaulted by Brother Dean exclusively told The Tab: “I approached him, and before I could say anything he stood up and kicked me straight in the chest, I wasn’t able to get any words out and I didn’t use any violence or steal anything of his.”

Everyone was pretty happy he got arrested and said "he had it coming."

His previous greatest hits include telling women "deserve rape" and that "yoga pants are evil."

HORNY PREACHER RATING: 0/10

ASSHOLE RATING: 10/10

Preacher Gary

Gary

Gary

Gary Birdsong, known as the Pit Preacher at UNC, and a bunch of other nicknames for other North Carolina schools, is a veteran of the campus preaching scene. He once told a reporter that "getting people angry is the most effective method of preaching," and often rails against women and gay people.

He also told us that college "ain’t a good place for a Christian to be" and "screwing fraternity boys and sorority girls ruins marital abstinence."

HORNY PREACHER RATING: 8/10

Brother Jed

A self-proclaimed "Christian soldier" who is in fact a horny dumbass, Brother Jed says "gay people are gross."

"A masturbator today is a homosexual tomorrow" is one of his favorite horny catchphrases, and he was once heard saying: "I don't know how the whorehouses in this town stay open — all of you sorority girls are giving it away for free!"

He recently put in an appearance at Indiana University, having shaved his beard and wearing a new pair of sinister white gloves, which somewhat brings down his horny rating.

Jesus had white gloves too

Jesus had white gloves too

HORNY RATING: 6/10