Every type of lecturer you’ll meet at Portsmouth

They’ll be getting in the next round of shots


As university students no matter how hard we try, one thing we cannot get away from is the torture of long, boring lectures. After days of promising yourself that next week will be different and you’ll become proactive again your optimism is shattered. A hot stuffy lecture hall immediately makes you wish you’d stayed in bed for a few more hours to work off that hangover.

But, it’s not all doom and gloom as lecturers are often surprising and unpredictable in their persona.

The creative one

This individual lives their life in Eldon building. They strut around with a beret and scarf which looks like its come straight out of the stage production of ‘Joseph And The Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat’. In order to stay ‘hip’ and with the latest fashion they’ll try out a new style of facial hair every week, now I don’t know about you but I don’t know any lecturer who can pull of the ‘French waiter’ look. They also have to have a Starbucks coffee in their hand at every moment of the day and this isn’t any old coffee. This is a non fat, decaf, soy caramel macchiato with 1/3 shot of vanilla, extra dry and steamed at a 45 degree angle exactly. But lets not forget their overly friendly attitude; for some reason it’s acceptable to begin every email or conversation by calling us ‘Chums’ or ‘Comrades’. But don’t allow yourself to feel too special as no matter how many tutorials or seminars you attend you’ll be a ‘Sophie’ one week and ‘Annabelle’ the next.

The try hard one

Get ready to say hello your new best friend. This lecturer may be 50 old years old but in their heart they aren’t a day past 20. Before each lecture they seem to have studied the urban dictionary in order to throw any possible swear word into each point they make. Every now and then they’ll chuck in a dirty joke or two; topic related of course but they’ll be waiting during that awkward silence for some kind confirmation that they are in fact hilarious. Don’t be surprised if when you get to the One Eyed Dog that night that they’ll already be there getting the shots in for which ever group of students are there… Inappropriate maybe but hey it is free alcohol after all.

The prop one

This individual has far too much energy and so the generic pacing up and down with an occasional perch on what looks like the most uncomfortable part of the chair simply won’t do. And so they’ve improvised with a prop and yes in that first lecture we did laugh, but as an awkward response to a surprising turn of events. But now they’ve got that one laugh, oh boy are you stuck this little routine for the entirety of the year. If it wasn’t bad enough these items are never normal; I mean there isn’t a chance in hell that I’m going to be concentrating on a contact law lecture when all I can see is a very erect banana being waved around.

The arrogant one

Story time. This lecturer will recite their life story to you, not once, twice or even three times but without doubt in every lecture you have with them. They are most likely to be a researcher or have worked in the industry for god knows how long. And of course they know best; you didn’t pay £9000 to actually get taught the units promised on the course. No. You’ll be much better off hearing about how they changed the face of medicine research or how they convinced Cameron Diaz to style her hair short not long in that film which they were 3’rd assistant producer for. And I’m sorry to say that all you can do is smile and nod while silently wishing that if they were that bloody amazing they’d fuck off back to it.

The gossip one

Oh are you in for a treat with this lecturer. Despite countless years of working and specialised training in their particular field this individual seems to have never left secondary school. They cannot help themselves but love a bit of faculty gossip and whats the point of knowing everything if you’ve got no one to tell it to. The snide comments, side looks and smirk plastered all over their face means our Monday mornings are going to be lot more interesting than we original thought. The affairs, weekend fucking and career battles aren’t staying secret for long as this lecturer loves nothing better than to mix business and pleasure.

And so; with freshers disappearing in the rear view mirror, not all hope is lost as our favourite educators never fail to amuse us with their wit and funky quirks.