The stars have spoken: the essential King’s College Horoscope

When your down on you’re dating luck, you’re bound to have checked up on your astrology or horoscope to see if you’ve got some good fortune coming your way. The stuff you read gives you a little bit of hope, but, let’s face it, its probably not true and you secretly know it.

While you may not be able to rely on the stars to promise you a good dating future, you can certainly rely on your degrees to help with that. So here is a short but sweet dating horoscope based on your degree at King’s College London.

English:

If you study English, chances are you are a hopeless romantic. You desire a mixture of the love portrayed in romantic comedies and Wattpad fiction; a love as steamy and emotional as a Bridgerton romance. Its likely that you’re dating history looks like one of two possibilities.

The first is that you’re attracted to the generic fictitious characters who appear broody and masochistic but have a soft side for that one special person. You want to be that one special person they give eternal and impenetrable love to.

Unfortunately, you keep seeking out emotionally unavailable individuals who have actually blatantly expressed their disinterest toward you. They do hate the world but their hatred still extends to you. Please stop creating fictitious scenarios where you end up together, fiction is fiction for a reason.

The other possibility is the complete opposite. You’ve been in a happy relationship since you were 12 and you are due to be married next Spring. Congratulations… I am not jealous at all.

Finance:

If you study finance, you have absolutely zero interest in settling in a relationship any time soon. But don’t get me wrong, you are far from being in hermit mode. You love to date and you patronise your dates by insisting that they need not know how your day was because they would never comprehend the excruciating details of your battle with excel and excessive juggling of numbers.

Any conversation with your dates regarding finance usually ends up with them asking “why don’t we just print more money?” Automatic ick… on to the next.

People in finance date a new person each week. Being in a secure relationship is definitely not on the top of your list of priorities. Instead, it’s obtaining an impressive position at Goldman Sachs when you finish your degree so that you can walk around central London in business attire and dine in expensive restaurants, where you can pick out your next dating conquest.

By 28 years old, precisely, you expect to be married and financially abundant. (If any of you are single and looking for a potential wife, hit me up… you lot really do make a lot of money)…

Law:

It is quite scary to think about how the future lawyers of the world, the very representation of the scales of justice, are so enthralled by criminality. Although you would never want to admit this to yourself, you love the so-called bad boy.

It is exhausting having to be so fair and unequivocally moral all the time. You need someone to balance that out for you. Someone who provides you with the adrenaline and stimulation that accompanies breaking the rules.

It is easy for law students to date; especially when you can simply drop “I study law” in conversation. Forget pick up lines, those three words get people quaking at the knees. However, when you say this to someone and their response is, “so you’d be able to get me out of prison then?”, run. Run for the hills and don’t turn back. You like excitement, yes, but let’s not turn your love story into the plot of Power.

Psychology:

If you study psychology, your dates really serve as work experience for your future career as a therapist. You will substitute ordinary first date questions, such as “What is your favourite colour?” for far more intrusive questions like, “At what point did you realise that your avoidant attachment style was causing the collapse of all of your previous relationships?”

You endeavour to find out your partner’s darkest childhood traumas so that you can act as their saviour. However, after much trial and error, you will discover that your partner does not want to be therapized and actually your saviour complex (which would come at the result of your own unstable upbringing) is the cause of the destruction of your relationships.

Please remember, your dating history cannot be included in your CV. Learn to separate your studies/career from your romantic life.

Biomedicine:

Dating a biomed student is not for the weak. If you study Biomedicine, you want the perfect love story: the typical nuclear family. However, you constantly compare every single potential partner to the unobtainable and entirely unrealistic portrayal of your future spouse that you have created within your head. As such, you will be on an everlasting rotation of new prospects, with whom you fall instantly in love with until they fall short of futile expectations.

You will literally be 30 minutes into a date, realise your date doesn’t top their pasta with cheese and conclude that this type of behaviour will simply not fly when you have children 20 years down the line.

To top off your lack of dating success, biomedicine requires you to sacrifice every free second that you have in order to study. And so once you do find that one person that gets your blood pumping, you won’t even have the time for them. But they will receive daily texts with messages such as, “I wish you were my stethoscope right now because I want you wrapped around my neck. Lol. Miss you xxx”.

War Studies:

As a war studies student, you crave drama within your relationships. You will preach that peace is the answer and depict yourself to be a pacifist but once your partner makes one mistake within the relationship, those closest to you will have front row seats to a re-enactment of World War 2. To you, a toxic relationship is the right relationship.

Despite this, you are actually a romantic. You love to plan niche little trips for your dates that are historically significant or have some relation to whatever war you are currently studying. However, your idea of a baecation is a trip to the Somme Thiepval Memorial whilst you churn out facts about weapons and hidden bunkers.

I think when your partner said they wanted to visit France for their birthday, they had been hinting toward Paris or Nice but I suppose it is the thought that counts…

Anyone that does sports:

If you study sports, you like to challenge your potential partners with physical activities on the first date. You will not sit still throughout a dinner or a movie, the options are between rock climbing, a hike, golf or a morning zumba session. If your date is not physically active, they are not for you.

Once you finally allow your date to sit down for some food after a very intense and physically draining date, you will mentally exhaust them by listing the items on the menu that have a suitable amount of calories and has an adequate balance of protein, carbs and vegetables.

Once you have found an individual who shares your love for the gym and protein shakes, you will be locked in and planning your future as a married couple. You will compete in friendly games of couples tennis at your country club and eat salads whilst your future children partake in football lessons. Cute.

Related articles recommended by this writer:

• A definitive ranking of London’s Underground lines, by a self-proclaimed tube nerd
• Here are some of the strangest Freshers’ Flu remedies that you need to try
• Here are some of the best places in London to enjoy nature this autumn