Everything that annoys you about Essentials

Why are the veggies facing the chocolate? Where the fuck are the eggs?

Essentials: the place to go for all the essentials. Like £5 boxes of Cherry Bakewell flavoured Twinings and a UKC fleece…

You’d think you’d know it like the back of your hand- but this place is like a labyrinth of overpriced food.

Why are all the drugs behind the counter? 

As if I’m just going to stand there, navigating the cashier to the right box of diarrhea medication. If theft is the issue, no one gets a rush from stealing some vicks vaporub. Can you really blame people for  walking out with all the Anadin, trying to nurse headaches from reading beyond what the human temperament allows (or from Friday night), when you’re trying to save enough money to eat?


The salad bar is a disgrace

I might have eaten some pretty gross things in my darkest hours during my university career (pasta and ketchup is not the one), but I’m not eating anything that’s out there for the whole of campus to cough and sneeze on, because I’m not coming back for some overpriced nurofen when I’m sick.

None of the aisles make any sense

Why are the veggies facing the chocolate? Where the fuck are the eggs? Everything is so sporadic and it’s a miracle if you manage to locate the items you actually want without wading through a load of misplaced UKC collectables.

Why does the queue look like a Nokia Snake?

The world food section, which is what we’re assuming it is with its wonderful collection of pop-tarts and dry-packed noodles, is basically a queue barrier. Unfortunately there’s never enough space to really appreciate its richness in cultural gems, including Lucky Gems cereal, because its basically the queue. At no point has anyone thought that maybe, this is a terrible idea?


Why are all the sweets by the tills?

Just when you think you’ve escaped to the refuge of the queue, pleased with yourself for not getting that tub of £5 Ben & Jerry’s to fuel your Netflix binge later, they suddenly hit you with the 3 for 1 packets of chocolate buttons. Fuck you Essentials.

Why is everything a rip-off?

Only the desperate come to Essentials to actually buy their weekly essentials. Considering it’s primarily aimed at students who are stuck on top of a hill, a whole bus journey away from the nearest Tesco, you’d think some of the price tags might be a little more sympathetic. Probably nothing personal, just bizzniss.

The deals of the week

Discounted items are a godsend for students. 5p knocked off the price because it’s mouldy? We’ll have it. So why in Essentials must the deals of the week always be on dire items like stale apple turnovers? Nobody needs them and nobody, even after a really shite day, wants them.

There’s virtually nothing on offer for food intolerance

If you’ve got a food intolerance then the chances are you are going to starve on campus. The meal deal consists of sandwiches and crisps, neither of which a coeliac can eat and pretty much all the hot snacks are encased in pastry. And if you’re a veggie, then forget the chance of there being delicious meat free options in Essentials, because all you’re working with is some Birdseye frozen veggie nuggets.