The perils of living next to mardy locals

Dear number 60, I do not know how to unblock the drain

national

Remember when you lived in halls and could play music and laugh until the early hours with only the temporary noise ban of May holding you back? Yeah, me too.

Transitioning into second year is new and exciting. Like caterpillars into butterflies, you finally flee campus and move into an actual house. It just feels so mature.

Think weekly house parties, drunken walks home with £1.50 Hatch burgers in tow, morning fry ups en mass… only to be ruined by the dreaded busybody neighbour.

With their noise complaints and passive-aggressive notes, the resident neighbour quickly becomes your worst enemy. It’s like the movie “Bad Neighbours” without a topless Zac Efron.

Fun free zone

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Speaking from experience, you may come to find you’re dealing with one or two sets of resident neighbours, both always as mardy as the other. In this instance, give up hope of getting away with after parties and big pres. The residents will swarm and they aren’t a force to be reckoned with.

Having a big one? Think twice. It’s always the crack of dawn the next day when they’ll come knocking to tell you that you woke their children at 4am with your “choruses” of laughter. Sorry, but last time checked, no student on the face of the earth settled down at 22:30pm as is apparently embedded in the poxy resident contract.

In cahoots with the Dean of the uni, the resident neighbours will always dish out threats involving some sort of imminent disciplinary action, which all sounds like a big joke until the landlord comes round to inform you that you’re on your last warning. But when were we on the first?

So with all music off by 11pm and doors closed to minimise the distance sound can travel, you’ll settle down for a more low key night in the hopes of not further prodding the beast.

But remember, the neighbours don’t have any renters contract to adhere to, nor do they have the threat of the elusive Dean… so while you’re trying to keep them happy, don’t forget that you can still hear their crying children and barking mutts through the walls.

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OH F OFF

And so the war rages on. Angered by the most trivial things like the leaves in your drain, the passive aggressive resident neighbour often chooses to remain faceless. Leaving notes on the front door for all to see, the messages are friendly until the neighbours feel they’ve been ignored.

This is where the relationship breaks down. There will be no nods hello, no chit-chat when the bins go out. Instead it’s all eyes down and awkward evenings out-noising each other.