All this year’s bizarre Christmas crisps, ranked from ‘oh go on then’ to unforgivable

When will we be free of shops turning anything remotely festive into a crisp flavour?

5 months ago

The one thing I’ve noticed above all else in the supermarkets this Christmas is the epidemic rise of weird flavours of festive crisps. This has not been an overnight drama, but one we’ve unfortunately been allowing to steadily rise for years. It started simple, pigs in blankets and turkey flavours – we can sort of allow this. But in 2023, the supermarket Christmas crisps have gotten out of hand. I’m not exaggerating when I say we’re a packet away from getting wrapping paper flavour. Something must be done. My solution? Ranking all the Christmas crisps and their cursed flavours by the ones I’d admittedly grab a handful of from a Boxing Day buffet to the ones that make me cancel the holiday altogether. Enjoy, if you’re able to do so.

BEST OF A BAD BUNCH TIER: AKA, I am gobbling

17. Tesco Honey & Sriracha

Unsure how Christmassy this is, but I think that’s why I like them. I’d buy these willingly. A bit o’ sweet, a bit o’ spice. Devouring all year long.

16. Sainsbury’s Duck and Spiced Plum

This is what I’m talking about, people. Looks the absolute business. Festive but makes sense to sprinkle over some potato. How can you moan? Get gobbling.

‘OH GO ON THEN’ TIER: I have fundamental qualms, but would chomp one when bored

15. Tesco Camembert, Rosemary and Honey

Not a huge camembert fan but I’m sure if you are you’d be having a proper nibble on these. Cheese, herbs and honey not a bad combo at all.

14. Aldi Boxing Day Curry

Can’t find a picture of these weapons, but I assure you – they exist. I had some myself last week. I like spicy crisp flavours but let’s be real, it’s got nothing to do with Christmas at all beyond the company having some spicy seasoning flavours they want to use up. They’re nice but it’s just nonsense really, isn’t it?

13. Asda Beef and Red Wine Gravy

Not sure how convinced I am by the word “gravy” in this one. I don’t think gravy is a very harnessable flavour. Beef and red wine sounds good though, albeit not particularly festive.

12. Tesco Steak and Onion Chutney

As a longterm missed and mourner of Walkers beef and onion, this would scratch an itch.

11. Co-Op Turkey Tikka Masala

Another one of those flavours where I truly believe the shops are just shoving any old shit out onto the shelves and calling it Christmas. But sure thing, babes, I’ll have one.

NAFF TIER: These are literally never good

10. Turkey crisps

Every supermarket dabbles in this every year, and it’s the perfect way to kick off the NAFF section of the Christmas crisps ranking. Because, like chicken crisps, roast turkey crisps are simply naff. I’m sorry, it’s true. They do not taste like turkey. They do not taste festive. They just taste like herby crisps.

9. Pigs in blankets crisps

A more cardinal sin comes from the pigs in blankets crisps, which – again – every supermarket does a version of. Let’s call a spade a spade: These are just smoky bacon flavoured crisps in festive clothing. I’m no fool. Hurts more than the flop of turkey crisps because pigs in blankets are such a revered festive essential. Every bite of these just feels a bit gutting.

8. Aldi Spicy Chorizo and Turkey

I have to kind of rate Aldi for committing to shoving a special edition chorizo crisp out no matter what the season. Who is having spicy chorizo with turkey? Not a soul. I optimistically tried these but they just taste of paprika and shame.

7. Aldi Fiery Pigs in Blankets Lentil Chips

I’m dead partial to the BBQ lentil crisps at Aldi so also have given these a try with festive hope in my heart: DON’T BOTHER. Boring, tastes of nondescript nothingness. Just literally throwing stuff together.

DON’T WANT TO BE IN A TWO METRE VICINITY TIER:

6. Sainsbury’s Turkey Gravy

This one unnerves. Not turkey flavour. Not gravy flavour. Not turkey and gravy flavour, but TURKEY GRAVY flavour. Just the juices? Don’t want any part of it.

5. Asda Turkey Curry Party Mix

Just too much going on here. I’m in sensory overload. I can do curry flavour on nice little circle crisps but if you’re throwing me a combo mix of shapes I can’t hack it. That’s my truth.

4. Aldi Turkey and Stuffing TORTILLA CHIPS!?

I offer my apologies to the great nation of Mexico.

3. Aldi Sausage Roll Mega Puffs

WHO ASKED FOR THIS!? It’s not even Christmassy!!!

SCUM TIER: Christmas is cancelled

2. Sainsbury’s Brie and Bubbly

Pack this in. Every year some silly beggar at a supermarket tries to shove out Prosecco flavoured crisps to purely seek attention. We’re all shattered.

1. Aldi Wagyu Dripping Roast Potato

We’re that desperate for Christmas crisps we’re topping the ranking of bad ones with a potato flavoured potato. Literally that’s what’s going on here. I tried these thinking I was going to be in for a beefy vibe, but it’s just like eating crisp flavoured crisps. Pure evil

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