Here’s exactly what your August bank holiday plans say about your overall vibe

Good afternoon and happy weekend on this magically-charged Friday. Because in just a few hours something biblical will have started. Yup, the feral wheels are in motion: August Bank Holiday (ABH) is almost upon us. If you think I’m being a tad dramatic, think of the prospects: sunny beer gardens, unexpected shags, festivals, mini-breaks, whopping great house parties and a long weekend for the last time until Christmas sodding Day. Doesn’t sound so ridiculous now, does it?

And, importantly, what you’ve got scheduled in your silly little calendar for the next Friday night-Monday evening says a lot about your overall vibe. So, in case you’re in the mood for a personality complex, here’s exactly the type of person you are— based on your ABH agenda. Sorry in advance.

You’re braving the mayhem of Reading and Leeds festival

You’ve just picked up your GCSE results OR you need psychological evaluation. Fresh off the back of disappointing your parents, you’re heading into the British countryside with nothing but an Argos tent, a crate of Strongbow Dark Fruits and a pack of extremely optimistic condoms. Truly, only teenagers can handle the chaos of Reading and Leeds.

You’re setting off on a well-planned Europe mini break

You’re probably in a relationship and decided festivals were a bit x much x for you this year. So, you’re taking bae and going to Seville to roast in the 42 degree heat while continuously looking at Instagram stories of your mates off their nut in a field, uttering “God, I’m so glad we’re not doing that.” Nobody believes you.

You’re throwing a humungous house party

You have a pretty persistent 3AM habit and will most likely be off grid for the full 72-hours. You’ll dip between pub garden, afters, and you’re own shambolic DJ sets over the space of three days and when your mates tell you your party was the night of their life, you’ll struggle to remember if they were even there. You try everything, regret nothing and lie to your mum to spare her the heart attack.

You’re going all-out at Manchester Pride

You’re the friend everyone trusts to look after their drink when they go to the toilet and have really good taste in girly pop music. All round immaculate energy. Will be struggling to get glitter out of every crevice of your body for the following five days.

You’re pissing off to the countryside without your phone

You’ve just been broken up with by your situationship and need to touch some grass x

You’re doing an all-dayer at Notting Hill Carnival

Grab a Magnum and let’s go. You’re the best dressed person in your friendship group, have nothing but £10 and an elf bar in your bra, and possess a happy-go-lucky disposition which makes you pretty sure that’ll be all you need to see you through the biggest street party London has to offer. Will undoubtedly call your housemates at 4AM because your house key has fallen out of your shoe – never to be seen again.

You’re just having a lil unsuspecting Friday night in the pub

Frankly, you’re smug. You think just because you’ve planned a quiet one your weekend won’t descend into chaos. You’ve got a spin class booked at 9AM on Sunday. There’s aubergine parmigiana you made earlier waiting at home in the fridge for dinner. Well, sorry, the mayhem is coming for us all.

Unprepared for the events of ABH, you’ll wind up more feral than anyone. Suddenly, a club night ticket becomes available in your group chat, then there’s an afters you can’t say no to— next, it’s a day festival you thought was sold out. You’ll roll back home on Monday wondering WTF happened.

You’re going to one of your mate’s weddings

Either, you’re in your 30s or troublingly ahead of the curve x

You’re hosting a fat BBQ at your parent’s home counties house

You know half the cast of Made In Chelsea and have a crusty white dog. What starts off as a civilised day of Pimm’s and burgers quickly turns into 24-hours of people sleeping in your parents bed and 6AM substances. You like a game of rounders and just got back from Houghton. Very rah— but sort of have range.

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• If you see any of these items in a boy’s bathroom, run and never look back