Every song in the dreadful new Cinderella film ranked from least to most cursed

I refuse to believe Janet Jackson authorised this butchering of Rhythm Nation

3 years ago

Before we get right into it, I will say that I was overjoyed to see that not a single song or even a verse on the dismal soundtrack to Cinderella features a solo vocal from James Corden. In a world where that man is inescapable, this feels like one slight moment of bliss and safety. And for that, we must be thankful for small mercies. But believe me when I say that any gratitude I have towards the Camila Cabello fronted, Amazon funded girlboss Cinderella abruptly ends there. This is a film that contributes to the death of cinema as we know it. And I say that with only a modicum of melodrama, and a lot of despair as I set about getting the soundtrack of Cinderella 2021 ranked.

I was actually really excited to write this until I remembered I had to listen to the songs to do so. We knew from when we first got a glimpse of the trailer for this monstrosity movie that not a single soul asked for or wanted what horrors were about to unfold. By the time the full trailer had arrived and we got a shrill earful of Camila Cabello’s squalks it was game over. The day we found out James Corden was in it we blocked the film account on all social media. When they did that evil flashmob and stopped traffic and Corden thrusted his crotch at a car wearing a mouse suit, cinemas began shutting down. By the time I had to sit and listen to this dreadful album to write this article, I’d resigned to never watching a film ever again. Here’s every bleak entry to the Cinderella 2021 soundtrack ranked from least to most cursed.

12. Dream Girl

In what is considerably the least cursed offering on the Cinderella soundtrack, we have the wickedly talented Idina Menzel turning in her usual big pipe vocals to belt her way through an original villain song that is pretty solid musical theatre. Pleasantly surprised. Not quite a diamond in the rough but I don’t want to slice my ears off so that’s something.

11. Shining Star

It’s Billy Porter covering Earth, Wind and Fire. It’s fine until you get Camila’s strained vocals piping up and a lot of Billy Porter shouting the first stereotypical quip from gay culture the writers could come up with.

10. Let’s Get Loud

Jennifer Lopez’s Let’s Get Loud is one of the best Latin bangers in pop history. Cinderella’s Let’s Get Loud has all the Latin flair of a trip to Wagamamas. What is actually happening here? Everyone’s just shouting the lyrics. Camila sounds like she’s trying to guess how to sing the melody. It’s really bad. All the pots and pans make it sound like it was produced in the kitchen from High School Musical 2.

9. The New Barry

The way this wants to be a Hamilton or In The Heights so badly but sounds like it was written by an amateur dramatics theatre company is making me wish that I, like Barry, died of dysentery.

8. Material Girl

The covers in the Cinderella soundtrack are as shoehorned in as me trying to shove my size 11 feet into some size eights. This simply does not fit. Madonna’s Material Girl is too fun and carefree to be some kind of calculated, villain song. It just sounds stupid. Why would a wicked stepmother be singing “I’m a material girl!” when she’s pushing 50 years of age?

7. Perfect

This is so sickly that it is positively cavity inducing. I’ve never heard of Nicholas Galitzine before his casting in Cinderella, but every vocal appearance he’s turned in for the soundtrack makes me want to never hear from him again. Camila doesn’t fare better – singing in this nasal and badly produced head voice that just makes the whole thing sound nauseating. They’ve got zero chemistry.

6. Am I Wrong

Sorry, but who pitched that the song they really needed to include on the soundtrack was 2013 Norwegian EDM dance track Am I Wrong? You can’t pick songs known for their dance beat when the lyrics need to serve a storytelling purpose! This is just ridiculous. This song fancies itself as a bit of a One Day More kind of affair, but just leaves me a bit open mouthed at the fact it even got the green light to be made. A ludicrous entry to the Cinderella 2021 soundtrack, and the cursed halfway point of this ranked list.

5. Somebody To Love

Freddie Mercury is turning in his grave. If he has any sense, he will become a vengeful spirit and haunt anyone involved in the creation of this cover till they can’t take it anymore. It’s nauseatingly theatrical and pompous. It makes the Glee cover look like a hard rock classic. By the time the soldiers come in with the chanting it’s like you’re in an episode of Horrible Histories. It’s so bad and there are still four songs worse.

4. Whatta Man / Seven Nation Army

I’m not completely dead inside and so I can find some charm in the presentation of the diverse mix of potential Prince love interests singing Whatta Man at a ball, even if the random accent mix on display is a bit too thespian for me. The pure evil comes in when the Prince, who is hurriedly becoming a nemesis of mine, shoves in a mashup of Seven Nation Army. Never have two songs ever not gone together like this. It’s Glee when it’s at its worst. This is my 13th reason.

3. Million To One

Right. Disclaimer. I actually am a bit of a Camila Cabello apologist. As turbulent as her pop career has often been, she kind of consistently has brought the bangers. Not only that, but I think she’s actually proven herself to be more than a competent vocalist in the past even if the quality and tone of her voice is probably best enjoyed in small doses. It is unfathomable to me how bad this song is, and her vocals across the entire soundtrack for that matter.

Million To One sounds like she recorded it on her iPhone headphones in one take whilst hungover. Whatever the HELL is going on in the chorus I do not know but I have had pasta less strained than her trying to hit these notes. Worse still, she WROTE the song! Why didn’t she just change the key? Adapt the note? Why didn’t the producers and directors send her back to the studio? All questions, no answers. Hell.

2. Dream Girl (Nile Rodgers Remix) [CURSED]

Remember way back at number 12 when I said Dream Girl was a decent villain song? Forget every nice word I said. I take it all back. For some ungodly reason, Nile Rodgers has remixed it into this weird pop moment that should never have left the cutting room floor. What do the people who made this think is happening? Idina Menzel is giving it Alanis Morissette in the music video and I am cringing beyond belief. We need to as a society forbid musical theatre performers from thinking they can also be pop stars. It can’t happen. Not on my watch!

1. Rhythm Nation / You Gotta Be

Lord have mercy on this film. It needs it. The fact that rock bottom of the Cinderella 2021 soundtrack ranked is the film’s opening number tells you exactly what kind of musical journey you’re unfortunately going to be dragged on. Two of music’s all time greats, Janet Jackson’s iconic Rhythm Nation and Des’ree’s stunning You Gotta Be Frankensteined together into a monstrosity of theatrical nonsense. No one should have to endure two white stepsisters doing an off-off-off-Broadway Janet Jackson cover. It’s dreadful. It’s an affront to music history. I am so glad this article is over so I never have to hear a single note of any of these songs again for as long as I live.