Things you’re tired of hearing if you haven’t got a five year plan

I’ve applied for zero internships Lucy, stop asking

8 years ago

Sara Les | Brands

We’ve all got that friend, you know the one – they’ve already been accepted onto a zillion graduate schemes, have interned at all the best companies, have probably saved up enough at uni to buy a house straight after graduating and are annoyingly well on their way to getting a first. Yep, that friend.

Unfortunately the rest of us mere mortals who haven’t quite figured it out are unwillingly put in the same box, faced with an onslaught of questions we just don’t have the answers to. Not yet anyway.

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How many internships have you got lined up for this summer?

Internships? Plural? For the summer that is nine months away? I’m more concerned right now about the essays – plural – I’ve got to hand in next week, thanks.

So are you just planning to do [insert activity] until you’ve figured out what you want to do?

I mean, yes? I may go travelling, I’ll probably work in at the pub for a while and do you know what? I don’t know what I’ll do after but I am A-OK with that thank you very much.

I’ve got my five year plan totally figured out.

Have you now? Really? But really though?

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You’ve seen the future and documented absolutely everything that will happen to you over the next 1825 days? Even what you’re going to have for lunch on April 29th 2019 and that night you get way too drunk on October 16th 2020? Yep, no, sorry, that’s just not the case is it?

You know the [X] grad scheme is closing soon?

Oh is that so? Thanks for letting me know pal, I mean, I’ve never considered a career in HR, but appreciate the heads up anyway.

What career can you even do with your degree?

Anything I want actually.

OK I can’t be a doctor, fine, you got me there.

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I’ve already started saving money for a house, haven’t you?

Yes, I know that’s a good idea. However, right now my bank balance is at £15.36 and I have the rest of the term to go sooo let me buy my sad lunch in peace.

How’s the job hunt going?

It’s going as well as it could be right now, you know, in the middle of final year, knee-deep in dissertation.

When are you planning on moving out?

I haven’t even moved back in yet, jeez. Why would anyone deny themselves at least two years of sweet, rent-free-clean-and-tidy-as-much-food-as-I-can-eat living? Even with all those fancy internships, you’re not the brightest crayon in the box, are you now?