Why would you ever watch Fifty Shades for Valentine’s Day?

NOT KINKY JUST CREEPY

Want to show your other half how much they mean to you? Take them to Fifty Shades Darker. Want to treat them to something special after a year of ups and downs? Take them to Fifty Shades Darker. Want to express just how much you adore them and everything they do? Take them to Fifty Shades Darker. SAID NO ONE EVER.

love u

It’s certified at 18 and is set to be raunchier than ever, complete with a naughty elevator scene and *gasp* an even naughtier one in the shower.

Single men have reportedly been banned from viewing the film alone at certain cinemas across the country and one particular Irish theatre has been quoted saying “It might be better to keep the men outside the door until we see if women can control themselves”, which is not only insulting, but also begs the question of why you would ever willingly go to watch this film as a couple, on Valentine’s Day?

As with the previous film, Fifty Shades Darker has been marketed and released around the 14th February purposely to arouse those who want to spice up their Valentine’s traditions. Sure, it might seem really daring and erotic to view what has been dubbed as essentially cinematic porn with your other half. But realistically, it’s game over as soon as Jamie Dornan’s top comes off and he starts doing pull-ups, because your boyfriend’s esteem will plummet and your girlfriend’s attraction to the man next to her who is not Jamie Dornan will automatically dwindle.

Your Valentine’s sex will never replicate that you’ve just viewed, because you don’t have a choreographer or a director and the closest you’ve got to a ‘Red Room of Pain’ is some fairy lights and the risk of strangulation from an overly complicated Ann Summers purchase. More to the point, surely alarm bells should be going off if you are going to Fifty Shades Darker to keep things fruity? Couldn’t you just as easily try something different in the bedroom that doesn’t mean emulating a sexually frustrated millionaire and his passive female counterpart?

Christian Grey and his drippy GF aren’t exactly goals-a-million. He’s evidently got a few issues and she’s dry as toast. Their relationship is far from idyllic, so unless you’re looking for some confirmation that you’ve got it pretty good, then why would you want to watch 2 hours of their dead chat and painful foreplay?

Keep it simple, just do dinner.

 

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