How I overcame suicidal thoughts at uni
I went from euphoric to manic moody-blues in just four days
Picking up the phone saved my life.
“Mum, I’m going to kill myself.”
These are words that I will never forget, and I will always remember simply lifting the phone and opening my mouth to be the most difficult thing that I have ever done. In this moment, although my head was spinning and my bones shaking, I accepted that it was time to come out to my parents, this being something that I had convinced myself I may never do; it was from this state of secrecy and self-denial that depression, paranoia, social anxiety and OCD had developed. The bitter sweet, ironic silver lining is that coming out to my parents is one of the easiest things I have ever done. I felt constant trepidation to the point of speaking, and when I spoke the words felt weightless as my subconscious directed the message.
In the months leading to leaving for university, I set myself a target to come out to at least two of my closest friends. Countless times I started to type out a text message or IM but abandoned it for predetermining the great shame I would feel for coming out in this way. After having come out to my parents I set myself a very different target which, to my pride, I have met – to come out to all of my closest friends in person. Fortunately this was a breeze as my friends are very modern and welcoming of LGBT, and to my amusement none of my friends or family members were particularly surprised by the news.
Through this experience I learned a lot about myself, mostly things that require attention and review. I tend to exacerbate feelings and let paranoia warp the truth and relative reality of situations, when more often than not things are really quite simple.
For the last year and a half of my life, between dog-walking, I have plugged away in my bedroom working on Fine Art, Music and so on – the whole time hating myself and what I’m doing, but knowing it’s the only thing keeping me animate. In April I launched my own company in Photography, Bespoke Gifts and the like, mostly involving dogs. As of this weekend I am busking in public and endlessly enjoying recording myself and polishing everything that I do between the Music, the Fine Art, the volunteer work at my High School – you get the gist.
I could ramble for days, but let me leave you with this – in 4 days only, Royal Holloway made me.