‘He asked for a vape-break mid-way through sex’: Exeter students’ worst dating stories

A Valentine’s Day antidote if you will

A day created for smug couples and reclaimed by groups of single girls desperate for relationships (promise I’m not cynical). Are you feeling down about the day of love? In need of a good laugh? Look no further than the wonderful people of Exeter Uni providing their hook-up horror stories, guaranteed to make you feel significantly better about whatever state your love life is currently in.

Whether you’ve had your tongue bitten, or been introduced to a girl’s parents after getting with her in Fever, there’s a guarantee you can feel thankful for your dating history after reading these.

‘She broke my nose during a hook up’

“I got with a girl at an initiation. Our hands and feet had been zip tied together as part of the social. Suddenly, there was a massive bang and I look up and both of us have fallen into the radiator behind us whilst getting with each other. We keep making out on the floor of the club and she was pulling my hair really hardly until I realised I’d been bleeding because she landed on my nose and broke it. Long story short this girl couldn’t take a hint and continued to make out with me, even followed us back to my first year accommodation where my friends had to carry me to my room and then send her home. Very very awkward situation to say the least, and I still run into her to this day.”

‘She had a cardboard cut-out of Draco Malfoy by her bed who watched down as we shagged…’

“The first time I slept with my now girlfriend I was so drunk that I had to stop midway and get up and leave because I was about to chun all over her face.”

“One time, post TP Wednesday, I went back with a hockey boy who couldn’t get it up at all. He felt so bad that he decided to cook me an entire bowl of pasta and then left – honestly 10/10.”

‘The girl I hooked up with said ‘let mummy breastfeed you’ and then shoved their tit in my mouth’

“Brought a girl back to my second-year house in the first few weeks of us moving in, only to find my entire house sat round a table because our house had been broken into. I was too drunk to realise the severity of the situation so kept the girl I’d got with in the club in our kitchen when the police were round, safe to say it was a level of commitment I don’t think we were ready for and haven’t seen her since.”

‘I hooked up with a guy who had to stop halfway through sex for a “vape break”‘

“I accidentally hooked up with the same guy twice on two separate nights out, not realising I’d already got with this guy the second time.”

“What I thought was the best sex of my life turned out to be with a girl who has now come out as asexual, and she says that the night we spent together was her asexual awakening.”

“I had to plank across two sofas whilst getting with a guy.”

“My girlfriend wanted to try putting a full face of makeup on me but we ended up making out halfway through her applying it. I ended up having sex with her with a full face of makeup on and she had none on. We didn’t realise this until we pulled away after and turned the lights on to discover both of us had smudged makeup everywhere from my face.”

‘This guy had a baby voice fetish so spoke to me in a baby voice the entire time we had sex and after he’d finished’

“A guy I brought home shat everywhere in my toilet and bathroom then just bolted and didn’t return.”

“He told me that if I saw how small his dick was then I’d feel really bad for him and we’d have to sleep together.”

“My ex called me his friend’s name during sex.”

“He peed all over my floor when I took him back to mine.”

‘Got with a guy who head-butted me and ended up chipping my front tooth in half’

“Was seeing a guy who told me he loved me after sleeping with him for the second time. We did not sleep together again after then.”

“I sneezed directly into a guy’s face during sex and it went completely silent after that.”

‘My housemates walked in on the guy I brought home after a night out naked on our sofa passed out after a night out at 7 am after we thought he’d left’

“The guy I was shagging forgot my name halfway through so I got up and just left.”

‘I got asked if I needed a welfare check-in’

“One time I had a bunch of really awful hickey’s all over my neck that someone came up to me in Forum and asked if I needed help or a referral to the Exeter Uni welfare team.”

‘Brought a guy back who played me the song he wrote for his ex on his guitar’

“A guy farted in front of me and then said ‘it’s squeaky bum time.'”

Related stories recommended by this writer:

‘He gave me pink eye’: Exeter students share their worst dating horror stories

These are officially the best 13 date spots in Exeter – just in time for Valentine’s Day

Crushing on someone who’s in a relationship? We rated the best advice for Exeter students