‘He gave me pink eye’: Exeter students share their worst dating horror stories

Valentine’s Day: the day invented for smug couples… It’s fair to say it angers most of us, upsets some of us, and sickens all of us. But fear not, these dating horror stories are the perfect antidote to all of the Valentine’s symptoms. Trust me, you’ll be thankful for your own (sane) dating life after reading these.

The Exeter Tab asked our Instagram followers for their worst dating and hook up stories of all time, and they did NOT disappoint.

“He started eating a lasagne during sex”

“I had a (not great to say the least) date with a guy. Afterwards, he wrote on his Twitter account: ‘I hope that went well.’ I privately messaged him to let him down gently and saw a couple of hours later that he’d replied to his own tweet with ‘oh, it didn’t go well.’ ”

“I was dating this guy and once during sex he accidentally came in my eye. After about 15 minutes of thinking I was going to die, I started to calm down – it transpired that during this time he had fallen asleep. Luckily I did live to tell the tale but it unfortunately it gave me pink eye for a couple of days after – that took some creativity to think of an excuse why around campus.”

“I hooked up with this Welsh rugby guy on a night out and he started eating a lasagne during sex.”

“This guy FaceTimed his friend right after we hooked up to tell him about it whilst I was still there.”

“He made me sit through the entire Muppets movie. To add insult to injury, he was wearing sock suspenders – can you tell we’re Exeter students??”

“I was having sex with someone and wasn’t really feeling it so I lied about coming (as we’ve all done once or twice). I didn’t realise how many times I had faked an orgasm until afterwards, when he thought he had made me come five times. He still brags about to people, but I don’t have the heart to tell him the truth.”

“I hooked up a third year medical student, he asked if I was on the pill and I assured him I had the implant so it was fine. He immediately grabbed my arm and started feeling for it. When he couldn’t feel it he claimed I was lying about it, bundled up his clothes and swiftly left. Why he thought I was trying to trap him into a relationship on a one-night-stand I have no idea.”

“Was hooking up with a guy who barked and then called me mummy. I didn’t end up seeing him again.”

“This guy had to use Google Maps to get back to his because he had forgotten where he lived.”

“My housemate and his girlfriend, (not realising that I too was back early from holidays), had clearly had an early morning session on our kitchen table. I was having breakfast before my shift and got cum on my elbow – turns out they hadn’t cleaned up afterwards.”

“They pissed in the corner of the room”

“This guy farted in his sleep and it woke me up.”

“Halfway through sex he put a pillow over my face and after told me he didn’t want me to stay over any more (after he had specifically invited me to stay over).”

“This guy still had period blood in his bed from his ex.”

“They pissed in the corner of their room while I was supposedly asleep in their bed.”

“Hooked up with a guy who proceeded to throw up all over my room and into my mesh bin – yes, it leaked.”

“I hooked up with what can only be described as a complete narcissist who told me about how he almost died from appendicitis – I was a little perplexed as to why he had chosen this moment to tell this story – he replied: “it just really gets me in the mood, you know” and proceeded to get an erection. I really didn’t need to be there for him to have a good time.”

“I had a Grindr hook up with a third year. He was cheesy, which led me to chunder on his crotch… whoops.”

“He asked me to slap his dick and I did it too hard.”

“So, this guy put it in the wrong hole… maybe he thought I wouldn’t notice? Anyway, the next day I was talking / complaining about it to my friends about it coming out of my seminar. Much to my horror, I discovered my seminar leader was r i g h t behind us, and by the look on her face, she had heard everything. The worst part was I had a one on one office hour with her in 10 minutes time.”

“We had sex on Zoom”

“I hooked up with a girl I’d been casually seeing, explaining that I had an (online) seminar the next morning so I’d have to be up early, hoping she’d get the message that she needed to leave early as well because my whole room, including my bed, was visible from my camera when on Zoom. (you’ve got to love first year halls right?) Unfortunately she was fast asleep by the time I had to join my online seminar. I thought I might be able to get away with keeping my camera off but my seminar leader once again insisted that they all had to be on. I angled my laptop diagonally on my desk so the bed wasn’t too visible. I then sat diagonal to my desk as well so it didn’t look like I was at an angle – true spy work I thought. Feeling smug, I started the seminar.

“About 30 minutes later the girl started to wake up but I wasn’t too worried. I indicated to her subtly that I was still in my seminar so she needed to duck underneath the camera level to get the bathroom. She nodded and I assumed she’d understood my hand gesture pointing to below my waist…  I was perplexed when she headed over towards my chair instead of the bathroom and started to undo my jeans. Suffice to say I have never had to have more of a poker face – as I desperately tried to keep a straight face in front of my seminar leader and course-mates whilst being shown a good morning from my now-girlfriend. Fair enough to say that although I had hoped for both experiences when anticipating university, I never expected to have both events at once.”

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