How to ruin first year: What not to do as a fresher in Bristol

Welcome to Bristol, the city of overpriced hash browns, colourful houses, and someone’s mate who claims they once saw Fatboy Slim at Motion. As the new term draws closer, whether you’re rocking up to UWE or UoB, first year is a fever dream you’ll only half remember. The city will chew you up, spit you out, and then offer you a falafel wrap and a double vodka lemonade. Yes, it’s beautiful.

So, in the name of preventing your inevitable mistakes (and avoiding becoming a flat cautionary tale), here’s a (somewhat) loving guide on what not to do in your first year, with some unofficial Bristol wisdom sprinkled in to help you salvage your dignity throughout your bad decisions. Unless, of course, you enjoy chaos, crying on the Downs, and spending over a fiver on a toastie at Source out of pure self-hatred.

1. Don’t get into a relationship in Freshers’ Week

He’s not your husband. I don’t care what your new friends are telling you, unless you want to spend second term untangling yourself from a situationship involving shared Deliveroo orders and passive-aggressive Spotify playlists, give it a minute.

Look, we get it, you’ve moved away from home, you’ve discovered Camembert, and now you think you’ve discovered love. But by November, you’ll either be broken up and dodging them in your seminar, or still together and planning joint Halloween costumes no one asked for. Either way, regret is coming.

You did not meet your soulmate, you met a man who uses a vape as a personality filler.

2. Don’t trust anyone who says UWE and UoB are basically the same

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They are not, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either trying to pull you or sell you a ticket to a night out you definitely don’t want to go on.

Yes, we all mingle in Spoons, and yes, we all hate the buses, but UWE and UoB are operating on different planes of existence. UoB students will quote Keates unironically at pres, own £28 water bottles, and have already cried in the ASS by Week 2. Meanwhile, UWE students have practical skills, personalities, and three side hustles. UoB lives off Pret and inherited trauma, UWE knows how to build a website and simultaneously roll a cigarette. Both have their chaos, but never mistake them for interchangeable, that’s how this war started.

3. Don’t become the Flat Narc

Every flat has one. The person who reminds everyone it’s “quiet hours” at 10pm and tries to confiscate the speakers during pres. The one who sends an emotional message to the group chat about dirty dishes and then signs it off with “just a thought x.”

Don’t be that person. Even if you’re right, it’s not worth it. Being the designated killjoy will earn you nothing but resentment and three TikToks made about you by someone doing a sociology foundation.

4. Don’t become a DJ

Don’t do it. I beg you. You are not a DJ, not yet.

Just because you played one techno remix at pres doesn’t mean you’re “curating energy.” Don’t make a SoundCloud, don’t start calling your playlists “sets.” For the love of all things holy, don’t make a flyer for your first set at someone’s house party in Fishponds. Everyone is secretly praying the aux comes back.

5. Don’t wait for the 72

That bus is never coming, walk.

6. Don’t ignore the city because you’re stuck in the Triangle

Yes, I know you will love Utopia Mondays, but please leave Clifton. You’ll find yourself going to the same three pres, with the same ten people, to queue for the same club night that somehow gets worse every time. Yet, like moths to a VK-soaked flame, you’ll return. Again and again.

The real Bristol club scene exists beyond the border of the Triangle, slightly terrifying and guaranteed to give you at least one story you’ll never be able to fully explain. Don’t limit your nights out to a five minute walk and a £4 doubles deal. You didn’t move to Bristol to spend every Thursday night dancing to Jason Derulo in a club that looks like an airport smoking lounge.

Be brave, leave the Triangle. If you only experience the parts of Bristol within walking distance of Larocca, you’re missing the good bits.

7. Don’t think you’re above it all

You’ll meet at least one person in the first week who turns their nose up at The Brass Pig, says they’re “already over Larocca,” and claims they only go to “small club nights you’ve probably never heard of.” These people are lying, they still dance when ABBA plays, they just don’t want you to know it.

There’s no prize for nonchalance, you can save that pretentious act for second year.

8. Don’t spend your whole student loan in Freshers’ Week

This may be a given, and I may sound like your parents when I say this, but don’t go wild and spend over a grand in your first week. The party doesn’t end there, you’ll just end up having to say no to many more events you actually want to go to. Trust me, the club nights in Freshers’ Week are not worth trading in your future meals. Sure, the £10 entry fee and overpriced drinks seem like a bargain at 2am, but you can’t pay your rent with a glowing wristband.

9. Don’t underestimate the emotional toll of circuit laundry

The £2.50 you fed into the machine will not guarantee your clothes return in the same state you left them in. One minute you’re loading everything in, the next you’re begging the gods to release your socks from that black hole. The real test is whether you’ll move on or stand there for 20 minutes hoping the universe will show mercy. Maybe these machines are just some cosmic test to see how much existential dread one person can handle.