Making yourself a laughing stock in front of your boyfriend’s parents

It’s summer which means those of you who have found your bf/gf at uni will now be going to visit them at home. This could mean a potentially hazardous meeting with the rest of the family. Bear in mind that navigating this rendezvous with the parents is crucial if you want your relationship to still be going strong by Christmas.

Don’t believe me? Recently, my boyfriend and I broke up. The proceedings were remarkably amicable, and so far we’ve managed to stay friends.

In our new capacity as “friends”, said boy and I went for dinner the other day. Nibbling on our fries in Burger Joint, we found ourselves fondly reminiscing over the many mortifying moments I managed to fit into a nine-month relationship, particularly the ones involving his family.

Given my catalogue of mishaps there were probably more reasons for him to relinquish the romance aside from just my impending year abroad. Based on some of my more embarrassing experiences, here’s some advice on what not to say to your boyfriend’s family.

Happier times

Don’t be an arse lick

We were always at the cutting edge of fashion

Five months into the relationship, I was flattered to be invited to a family Christmas party. I’d just finished getting ready in the bathroom when I opened the door to see his mum standing statuesque on the landing, swathed in an exquisite, floor-length silk number.

Ignoring the rising panic that I was comparatively under-dressed, I rushed to compliment her, exclaiming how much I loved her dress.

A look of confusion ensued… because she was still in her dressing gown. From then on I don’t think she ever trusted me to have a grasp of fashion.

Everything was fine until it was breakfast time

You might think I’d have learned from that occasion to not be too hasty and rush into a compliment that makes me sound like an idiot, but you’d be wrong. The morning after his 21st birthday party, his mother (who should really be on MasterChef) cooked breakfast for twenty or so people. I had the pleasure of sitting next to her, and wasted no time in telling her how tasty it was.

Remembering the prized chickens roaming in the garden, I said I could really taste the difference between home-reared and shop-bought eggs. I mean, look, these yolks are so yellow compared to the ones my mum buys in Waitrose.

Turns out the three family-owned hens don’t have the laying power to feed twenty people. She’d picked the eggs up in Tesco, and so I’d accidentally insulted her shopping habits.

Don’t offend his siblings

Me on UBTV: remember the camera adds ten pounds

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When trying to make someone like you, there’s nothing worse than asking what you think is a very innocent question but is actually a slightly offensive remark. On one occasion, his sister, an up-and-coming photographer, was talking about her new diet as she prepared to be featured on a Vice documentary.

I’m still not sure if the diet and the documentary were linked. But I asked if she was dieting because “the camera puts on 10 pounds”.

Cue horrified, shocked laughter from around the dinner table. And a very rouged face on my part.

Obviously, I didn’t mean she needed to lose 10 pounds… or that she would look any worse if the camera did indeed put on 10 pounds. In fact, I was thinking mostly of my own recent ballooned-face experience on uni television. It just came out wrong. Sophie, if you’re reading, I’m not a bitch really, I promise.

Don’t tell his parents about your bedroom antics

We preferred to role play as sailors

No parents want to hear what their son and his girlfriend are up to in the bedroom, and most sons and their girlfriends aren’t inclined to enlighten them either. Except for me, it would seem.

Once he had tonsillitis, and I paid a visit to the invalid. His dad harmlessly mentioned something about me donning a nurse’s outfit and caring for the patient.

Of course, in my response, I got the wrong end of the stick and thought he was hinting that I’d be a bit more “caring” than a regular nurse. No more explanation needed.

And definitely NEVER accidentally imply their son is bad in bed

Is that the smile of someone who is unsatisfied in the bedroom?

Obviously, you should never imply your boyfriend is a poor lover to anyone (disclaimer: mine wasn’t), but this counts double when speaking to his own relatives. My own slip-up in this respect came over Sunday roast, when I learned feminist social commentaries on perceptions of female sexuality are sometimes open to misunderstanding.

Somehow, conversation was centred on the biological reasons behind women syncing their periods (please note, I didn’t actually bring this up, they did).

One parent suggested that in the Stone Age, the synchronisation was to allow the alpha male to have all the females ripe for the picking at once. The Caitlin Moran in me burst out unchecked: “Yes, because sex isn’t about the woman, is it?”

Sadly, his parents didn’t get the irony and, after a moment of silence, proceeded to riotously reprimand their son for being a selfish lover. Amid the hysteria, I tried to defend the poor boy but it was too late, the damage had been done.

Such damage is likely irreparable, so learn from these mistakes and make sure you don’t embarrass yourself this summer. As for me, next time I interact with a boyfriend’s family, I’ll hopefully be a little more tactful and charming. Until then, I’m single again. Bristol undergrad, 5’8″, brunette, and a seriously big mouth and GSOH.