Just eight things in the Toon that would send a Victorian child into a coma

“Hello child, welcome to the year 2024, where underage drinking is considered normal and every uni student has an alcohol dependence to cope with socialising”. Although these little Victorian kids may be familiar with gin, they would be highly shocked by the quantity that the average modern-day child consumes.

The trials and tribulations of getting smashed before a night out would surely send a small Victorian child into a coma, as ingesting half a litre of vodka followed by a tactical chunder was (surprisingly) not viewed as a typical Friday night in the 19th century. The blue trebs found in Market Shaker would surely send them over the edge – right?? On that note, here’s just eight things which would send a Victorian child into a full-blown coma:

1. Trebs

Although we students tend to rinse Mr V’s dry, we must treat this futuristic trip as a Rugby initiation for our little Victorian lass. Straight onto the hard stuff, we shall chant whilst they sink a treble vodka lemonade (or three – got to love the Newcastle drink deals). This naive kid will follow suit with the rest of us and underestimate the strength of a treble. The effects of this triple shotted drink would immediately kick in, and most likely cause them to black out.

2. Vapes

Walking through the streets of Newcastle, the child may attempt to play with many of the multi-coloured cylinders scattered on the pavements. Yet upon closer inspection, these are no building blocks – oh no.

These are modern day cigarettes, also known as aerosol devices that coerce young people into having a nicotine addiction from the mere age of 14 years old. This would spark their understanding as to why the streets are infiltrated with the smell of fruity-flavoured vapes.

3. Northumberland Street Primark

The pure chaotic and overstimulating aura that is Primark. This home of fast fashion was first established in the late 1900s, and nowhere in sight in the 19th century. The poor bairn would likely get lost in this maze of polyester, plastic shoes and brightly coloured pyjamas – all of which have terrifyingly large faces of the Disney princesses brandished onto the front.

The poor soul would probably think that they have ended up on an entirely different planet, as these characters would appear as aliens to them.

4. The Metro

The most shockingly modern aspect of the present day has to be the different modes of transport. Having come from a time when horse drawn carriages were the norm and walking on foot was most popular, witnessing these shiny metal robots whizzing around the roads of Newcastle would most definitely cause the child to have a slight fit.

However, a Toon essential, and one to tick off their 21st century bucket list, is a cheeky trip on the Metro. It might appear daunting at first, but not to worry! They will find solidarity and company in the wink of an old Geordie male who reeks of piss and beer, and the presence of shrieking 12-year-old chavs who are trying to square up to one another at the far end of the carriage.

5. Greggs

To combat their malnourished souls, a quick trip to the many Greggs within the Toon would likely satisfy their stomachs for a good week. Whoever heard of boiled mutton for lunch? The food of choice would be a sausage roll of course.

6. Wednesday Sports Night

A night out in the Toon that should be essential for this Victorian child is either Soho or TupTup on a Wednesday night. This new world of sports socials where everyone is playing fancy dress would feel like a nightmarish fever dream for this 19th century kid.

The line of intoxicated students trying to enter the club would likely take it out of them at first. Having to wait a whole half an hour in a winding queue that snakes around side streets is enough to drive anyone insane enough to go home – unless you’re under the influence.

7. Club Bangerz

The speakers in a club sometimes knock out the hangover for students, however, this poor child would just be knocked out. Forget Mozart, we’re introducing Doja Cat – with the devil reincarnated BLASPHEMY, singing songs about fornication and narcotics.

Her songs about sexting will more than likely cause them to have a brief seizure – that is if this Victorian child still hasn’t already blacked out from falling down the many flights of stairs. Rip x

8. The Soho pole

If the Victorian child manages to reach the top floor, the pole will surely get them. Pole dancing is not an easily accessed activity for this deprived child (unfortunately for them).

There were no pole dancing workshops in Victorian times, let alone a Freshers’ Week. So students attempting a clumsy twerk on this vertical metal beam would be a sore sight for their uneducated eyes, and a final experience in the Toon before they slip into a coma.

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