Ranking the hapless cast of The Apprentice 2024 based on vibes alone

As usual, they all seem suitably insufferable

4 months ago

It’s got to the point with The Apprentice now where I question if the applicants all have a humiliation kink. In the show’s last few years, to go on Lord Sugar’s farcical nonsense is simply an exercise in being made to look like a tit. Nobody comes out unscathed. This show relishes making everyone look deeply stupid. The cast for The Apprentice 2024 have just been revealed, and to be quite honest, they don’t help themselves. All their profile quotes and their pompous pictures feel like BBC set them up for failure before they even get a finger wagged at them in the boardroom, so with that in mind I ranked all The Apprentice 2024 cast based on the initial vibes alone.

18. Oliver

Via BBC

Go girl, give us nothing! It’s all very NPC. All the vibes of someone you’d see in the lift of your office every single day of your life but forget them as soon as you look away.

17. Paul

Via BBC

Smug beyond words. Unfold those arms for me, fella. You haven’t won the investment yet! That said he is one of this year’s two resident pie floggers which I think is all very quaint. Open to my mind being changed.

16. Flo

Via BBC

Flo looks like if Karren Brady went through a de-aging filter and applied to be a candidate. I’m terrified.

15. Asif

Via BBC

He describes himself as “body, beauty, brains and business”. We must not accept that.

14. Dr Paul

Via BBC

Not to be confused with the non-Dr Paul, despite the fact both have their arms folded in an equally stubborn matter. Feel like he’s ready to sass me over something. Less of the attitude.

13. Steve

Via BBC

Another candidate brimming with sass. Steve’s last name is Darken which is quite forboding. Looks like he’s on board to fill the “demon twink” quota of the cast that at this point is a basic requirement.

12. Raj

Via BBC

Raj looks like she’s about to debate something extremely mundane with Ruth Langsford on Loose Women. More likeable than Jane Moore, less likeable than Stacey Solomon.

11. Amina

Via BBC

Could go either way with Amina – she’s going to be an icon or pure evil. No in between. Something just infinitely more satisfying about the way she folds her arms compared to the lads ranked here with The Apprentice 2024 cast. She’s queening out.

10. Jack

Via BBC

Works in recruitment? Boo, hiss. Wears nice green suit? Cheers, applause.

9. Maura

Via BBC

Runs a yoga business and looks like that one meme that’s like “the overly friendly white woman at the farmer’s market”. I’m kind of into it.

8. Onyeka

Via BBC

Claims she’s going to make 10 million for Lord Sugar in the first five years. We have to stan some ludicrous optimism that’s going to be rinsed to hell and back over the course of the next 10 weeks. We’re so back!

7. Phil

Via BBC

Ar Phil. Fit and runs a pie company. I am ready to be his husband.

6. Foluso

Via BBC

A Manchester queen who calls herself “The Mary Poppins of business”. Quite simply: How can you not say mother?

5. Tre

Via BBC

The absolute DRAMA of Tre’s promo picture for The Apprentice 2024 makes him one of the cast members I just have to get ranked in the top five. He looks like he’s about to judge a music competition. The blazer ended everyone. Then you get to the quote from his press pack which says “I am going to change the world and create a legacy that reverberates through time.” Do you realise how potentially iconic he has to be for words like that to leave his mouth in earnest? Come on now.

4. Virdi

Via BBC

Guys. He’s a DJ. He is a music producer AND a DJ. I pray to all the gods he makes it to interviews. Claude Littner has to meet him.

3. Rachel

Via BBC

Remember iconic Elizabeth from a few seasons back? She’s giving me Elizabeth. In this picture she is both winning the idgaf awards and simultaneously giving every fuck possible. I’m in awe of her. The slightly unbrushed hair is the cherry on the cake.

2. Sam

Via BBC

This queenie. You’ve got to have one bespectacled diva in a power suit every year. It’s the law.

1. Noor

Via BBC

SCOUSE. FORMIDABLE. SLAYS THE SUIT. OWNS A LUXURY JEWELLERY BRAND. She already needs a spin-off show. I need her to gobble every challenge up and spit the other candidates out with ease. If Sugar doesn’t give her an investment, I will give her one better: My friendship.

Meet the full 2024 cast ranked here when The Apprentice Series 18 premieres on Thursday 1st February on BBC One and BBC iPlayer. For all the latest reality TV and entertainment news and gossip, like Pop Culture Shrine on Facebook.