All the signs you’re the oversharer of your friendship group and how to stop

You need to set boundaries babes x

1 year ago

It seems fair to say that we’ve all learnt a lot more about Prince Harry than we ever expected to over the past week. Taking shrooms, killing 25 people in Afghanistan, shagging an older woman in a field behind a pub— he’s literally admitted to everything and anything across endless paragraphs in his tell-all memoir Spare, which has now been regurgitated across every news website and social media timeline possible.

Simply put, this is a serious case of oversharing. Word vomit. Unasked for anecdotes. Oversharing, in civilian terms, manifests in behaviours like telling your boss about your sex life, tweeting semi-nudes, or telling a stranger at the gym your cat just died. They don’t want to know. And you shouldn’t want to tell them.

But, in the archetypal course of life, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that every friendship group will probably has at least one oversharer. So, in case you’re wondering, here are five signs that it’s definitely you:

1. You treat your friends and family like therapists

If you find yourself emotionally leaning on your mates all day every day, it could be time to hire a professional to deal with your problems. As Samantha Jones told the original oversharer Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City: “We’re as fucked up as you are. It’s like the blind leading the blind.”

2. You’re ACTIVE on social media

One minute of respite between your Twitter thread, BeReal upload and Instagram story, we beg. If you don’t post for one day we’re not going to forget you exist. Promise.

3. You are constantly talking and dominate conversations

If you’re taking up more than 50 per cent of the dialogue in a conversation you’re not having a chat, you’re performing a monologue. Stop. This is not your Graham Norton interview.

Credit: Netflix

4. You spill the tea about your own life 24/7

Your private life is very much public. Everyone in your office knows your relationship drama, your grandad’s last words and what you had for breakfast. Being aloof is not a concept you can fully understand.

5. There are awkward silences after you say certain things

You just revealed your deepest darkest fantasies with a group of near total strangers and now mouths are hanging agape. You think you’re just speaking your truth. Why should you be censored?

Well, why am I oversharing all the time?

Most people that are guilty of oversharing usually say they “can’t help it”. Secrets and sexcapades just bubble to the surface and fall out of your mouth without explanation. But, actually experts think the reason people offer up intimate details about their lives unprovoked is usually because they weren’t listened to as a child:

“A main reason why you may tend to overshare when you meet strangers is because you have an intense desire to connect with others,” says therapist Debbie Nwafor. “Over sharing is an unconscious act and you may not even realise you’re doing it until after, hence why you experience that daunting feeling that makes you question your actions.

“And, although the reason why people overshare varies, a common theme in research has actually highlighted that this type of behaviour develops over time,” she continues. “So, thinking back to childhood, you may have come from a family dynamic where you’ve often felt inadequate so, over time, you’ve developed a tendency to overshare every single thing in your life in order to get needs met.

“These main needs include: feeling heard, seen, and understood. Something that you may have had little experience with in childhood.”

Ok, so, how do I actually stop oversharing about my life?

Even though oversharing might now seem like your only personality trait, there are actually ways to stop if it’s effecting your relationships or you start to feel retrospective cringe when thinking back to what you admitted to a room full of strangers:

“I think it’s a great thing that a lot of people are becoming more aware of this behavioural pattern,” says Debbie. “But a great way to overcome it is to learn to set healthy boundaries or to figure out other healthy ways to get your needs met.”

Other tips to stop talking also include: asking other people questions, thinking before you speak, not posting every thought that comes into your head onto the internet, and questioning the reason you feel the urge to share all your childhood trauma with the guy you met in the smoking area at 3AM.