The Apprentice power ranking: Who’s an icon and who’s getting blasted from a cannon?

Forget December, the halcyon days when The Apprentice is back are my personal festive period. There is truly nothing like it, and I am overjoyed to be back slagging every candidate to kingdom come with my weekly power ranking. Never forget last year when I got contacted by Harpreet personally saying she loved the power rankings and read them every week – despite the fact I spent two months calling her terrifying. We’re back! We’re in Antigua! There’s cannons, Moss Bros on the beach, the annihilation of wool and a load of desperate candidates in business geish terrifying holidaymakers in restaurants! I wouldn’t have it any other way. Here’s our power ranking for week one of The Apprentice 2023!

18. Kevin

No, I’m sorry. This man wasn’t in the episode. I did not see him.

17. Marnie

She really wanted everyone to go to the beach, and it didn’t work out. I know she wasn’t the one fired, and I know she technically was right that Shazia and Emma moaning wasn’t going to help. But perhaps they were moaning with good reason… Her days are numbered.

16. Simba

Went in with that shit deal, and ruffled feathers because of it.

15. Victoria

Not the best first week for our Scouse queen, and she really should have sorted the teams out considering the beach girls (Nadine Coyle voice) were erupting in war after day one. She buried her hand in the sand and just did a dance on a catamaran instead.

14. Mark

Everything about this fella scares me, so I shall not be ranking him favourably. That is how the week one power ranking cookie crumbles on The Apprentice 2023, I’m afraid.

13. Joseph

No, he could not tell the paying guest what she was looking out on. Speechless this buffoon won the task. He is sexy, though – and I am fickle.

12. Sohail

I have to admire the audacity it takes to tell a paying guest on a tour to “read the sign” when they ask a question. It’s ballsy. I am in awe.

11. Bradley

Convinced this is a hapless child who has fallen into doing The Apprentice instead of his GCSEs. I don’t really remember him doing particularly good or bad, but I hope he behaved himself and was in bed asleep before curfew.

10. Denisha

She was in the catamaran crew, but didn’t quite live up to the iconic hand on hip placement of her promo picture. Maybe next week.

9. Dani

I personally think she’d do a great job as Lord Sugar’s carer. We wish her well.

8. Reece

Our little thespian got the first big sale of the day for the boys, who eventually went on to win. I’m not 100 per cent sold on him, but fair play.

7. Rochelle

The British Kim Kardashian. With a “hint of glam”!

6. Shannon

There’s a formidable, Catherine Cawood energy to this one that I think everyone needs to watch out for. The 2023 Harpreet.

5. Shazia

Ranking the poor lass so high because this tweet has had me extremely concerned for her welfare.

Need an urgent update.

4. Avi

I don’t know if this is making me love him or hate him, but I cannot believe this TikTok. The little ting when he walks into the boardroom? Mentioning Reece for the sheer purpose of the Reece’s Pieces lyric? I’m aghast and in love at the same time.

3. Emma

Justice for this slightly unhinged, Irish icon in the making. Gone too soon. Loved her flop attempt at saying both should go home in a last ditch attempt to stay. A worthy bronze medalist in the week one Apprentice power ranking of 2023. She HATED the beach.

2. Megan

Was a bit of a background character until she piped up in the boardroom and sorted out the beach nonsense with a ferocity that I like in my Apprentice candidates. A dark horse! Watch her go next week now I’ve said that.

1. Gregory

As much as it pains my soul to put a Lib Dem at the top of a power ranking, this week belong to one man: Our cannon enthusiast, in all his glory. He may not get another week to shine as brightly as he did this one, but my god, he bailed all the lads out the shit with his facts. They would not have won without him.

It remains to be seen if he’s as formidable when it comes to bao buns as he is Antiguan cannons, but by this time next week we’ll know!

The Apprentice 2023 continues at 9pm on Thursdays, on BBC One and iPlayer.

For all the latest reality TV icons of 2022 news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Paige Thorne has said she hasn’t been in a ‘good place’ since Love Island

• Love Island’s Andrew has been sharing renting advice for students and it’s quite wholesome

• Gemma reveals she went on Love Island because she didn’t qualify for a dressage contest