Credit: Hayu/Bravo/Southern Charm
This is why you’re repulsed the minute they start to like you back
It’s not them, it’s you
"The chase" is the most common phrase when it comes to dating. It's all about "the chase" and trying to catch someone. But then this thing happens where the minute the person we're chasing admits to liking us, we freak out.
We think we're repulsed by their newfound neediness or desperation but the truth is, we're repulsed by them being vulnerable and asking us to do the same.
We're repulsed because of our own intimacy issues — it has nothing to do with the other person.
Do you ever start to like someone and then when they start to like you back get scared and stop liking them or is that just me
— annmarie🍍 (@annmatweet) September 13, 2016
The minute things start to seem like they could be more is the minute we begin to freak the fuck out. Jesse Kahn, LCSW, the director and supervisor of The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Collective in New York, told Refinery 29 "when a relationship becomes more intimate, it becomes more vulnerable, and [people] can become more easily hurt."
Basically, we pull away to protect ourselves from potentially getting hurt. Which is fair. “In fact, some people can find safety in being rejected, because it's more normal for them,” Kahn says.
There's also a chance we pull away because someone who texts us eagerly might come across as too desperate and dependent. There's a sense of immaturity that we perceive from someone who doesn't play the texting game but instead texts back soon and often. But that's also an issue for you to address with yourself, not the other person.
If you want to stop being weird and try to solve your intimacy issues, Kelley Johnson, PhD, a clinical sexologist based in North Carolina, says to "think about what your examples of intimacy and love were in past partnerships and in your family life." You might be able to see connection between a past relationship and the reason you run from intimacy now.
Good things take time and if we all run at the first sign of intimacy we're all going to be swiping on Bumble well into our 50s. Someone liking us is not a bad thing. And while being vulnerable does provide a chance to be hurt it also provides a chance to find something spectacular.
It's not them, it's you. Remember that.