Ranking the songs on Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco album by how insufferable they are

I would like to preface this entire article by saying I actually love the pop catalogue of Selena Gomez a fair bit. Sure, she’s never been winning any awards for her vocals, she’s not the best dancer, she doesn’t really have a USP. But a her fella Benny Blanco said that she “literally invented whisper pop” (which is a reach, but I’ll let it slide) – there is a certain charm to Selena Gomez’s music that has made her a stalwart and whose new music is always worth a listen. What I’m less hot on is anything that her fiancé Benny Blanco does – because with all due respect he just winds me up. Their coupley ways are my least favourite thing ever in the entertainment world right now, so when it was announced Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco would be releasing the joint album I Said I Love You First I was audibly groaning. Is it that bad? Here’s a ranking of every song on the Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco album by how insufferable it is.

Disclaimer: I actually enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I was going to.

14 (aka not insufferable at all). Ojos Tristes

The best song on the Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez album, and ergo ranking as the least insufferable, is this linkup between the pair of them and The Marías. It heavily samples / interpolates The Marías excellent viral hit No One Noticed but features Spanish vocals and lyrics. It’s pretty brilliant, but dare I say No One Noticed being brilliant is doing some pretty heavy lifting.

13. Don’t Wanna Cry

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Big, full, Dua Lipa in Future Nostalgia era style pop that is begging to be a single. Why they didn’t launch this album era with this banger is beyond me.

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12. Bluest Flame

Co-written by Charli XCX and produced with longtime Charli collaborator and producer Dylan Brady – Bluest Flame is great because it is literally a Charli song. Selena and Benny in promotional content for this album spent the whole time praising Charli and saying that this one is “100 per cent Charli”. So, naturally, it’s amazing.

11. Sunset Blvd

The first song from this record that made me think I wasn’t going to hate the album as much as I thought. Selena Gomez is distorted and vacant in her vocal delivery, and yet it really kinda scratches a pop itch. Gorgeous, lush chorus. Slightly insufferable for all the less than subtle shagging references – but I’m not mad at it.

10. Call Me When You Break Up

If Gracie Abrams has no haters then I am dead, and I really want to hate this menacing linkup of two of the least compelling vocalists in the music industry. And yet, I do not. It’s my fave song Gracie has ever put her name to, and like all Gracie adjacent music it heavily robs from Taylor Swift melodically. But like the recent Gaga banger on Mayhem, it’s not always a bad thing.

9. Cowboy

One of two songs in this Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco album ranking where the two of them emulate Lana Del Rey – and the better of the pair. It’s got a real Lana sensibility in its dream pop manner, a bit Billie Eilish if she couldn’t sing very well. The drums have major Born To Die energy. You’re probably picking up on the fact that to me this album is great when it’s borrowing from the styles of better artists.

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8 (aka, not insufferable but slightly annoying). I Can’t Get Enough

Now please can someone tell me why a song from 2019 is on this album? I love this song. Always have. I’ve loved it for six years. but what is it doing here? Needed some half arsed way to fill the track list, did we! Bone idle.

7. You Said You Were Sorry

The second Lana emulator on the record. Again, Born To Die drums. It isn’t bad it’s just totally forgettable. The outro is literally Lana Del Rey Paradise era coded. The nachos were munched.

6. Younger and Hotter Than Me

The first proper song on the album. It’s not bad particularly, but I truly feel like Selena Gomez is an artist whose vocals can be manipulated in many ways to make interesting pop music. But I do not think she’s well equipped to do a very stripped down ballad with minimal production and just a piano. Bizarrely, Finneas has a songwriting and production credit.

5. How Does It Feel To Be Forgotten

A very boring song to the guitar, that contains a jumpscare moment at the end reminiscent of Emilia Perez.

4. Don’t Take It Personally

For some reason, Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco decided to end this album with some of the most maudlin stripped back boring songs ever that are insufferable in the way they do absolutely nothing. No interesting writing, nothing exciting in the instrumental. Nothing burger. I’m not taking it personally because I’m not taking it all. With all due respect.

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3. Scared of Loving You

Basically the exact same song as the one previous. This was the song the pair of them decided to release as the lead single. Let’s get grips!

2. I Said I Love You First

Very bizarre choice to me to open your album with a 40 second intro with teary thank yous and emotional speech. Not that it’s not moving or earnest, just sets a weird tone in my opinion. Especially when the public perception of Selena is that she’s a lil bit extra about this kinda stuff.

1 (aka, hell). Do You Wanna Be Perfect

Oh boy. This is millennial cringe at full force. Only 37 seconds, and all of it is abysmal.

“Hi, do you wanna be perfect?
Do you wanna be sexy?
Do you wanna live up to completely unrealistic standards set by the current landscape of social media?”

At least the pair of them were mercifully short with it.

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