‘You don’t seem to be able to write’: Savage comments from Cambridge uni supervisors

The Cambridge Tab has covered brutal comments and I’m here to deliver a second dose of diabolical things supervisors have told undergrads. From deconstructive criticism to the incomprehensible, these are some wild things that supervisors have told students.

They can’t say that… can they?

Just how bad can Cambridge supervisor comments get? The answer is pretty bad, actually. Especially when you’re a fresh-faced first year, leaving your A-Levels where you were comfortably top of your class and were “a pleasure to teach”. The top academics in the world are here to keep our egos in check, never fear – they do a pretty good job…

1. ‘Your medical condition isn’t embarrassing, but you know what is? YOUR ENTHUSIASM’*

Points for disability solidarity and creative flair. Cambridge: Fighting ableism and low-effort work.

*Caps are transcribed accurately.

2. ‘Well the main problem with this essay is that you don’t seem to be able to write. Or read either, for that matter’

Oh. Oh that one has a bit of a kick, actually. I think the only choice after this is to pretend you’re actually illiterate and your supervisor is classist. Early-Modern illiterate peasants deserve kindness too.

3. ‘This sentence is ugly’

Don’t project your beauty standards onto my essay.

Not upsetting at all

4. ‘Your natural accent means you are unable to pronounce basic French words’

The “you” in question is doing a French and German degree. This one isn’t even constructive it’s just evil – how do you expect a student to sound like a French native when they were born and raised in bloody England?

5. ‘Do physics, not matrix’

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I can’t lie I think this one is pretty cool. I’m not sure who’s cooler actually – the supervisor who said this or the student who was actually “doing” matrix (how???).

6. ‘You murdered to dissect this essay’

This one is a Wordsworth quote. How to destroy an English student? Use their passion against them.

This quote is the one I think of when reading supervisor comments x

7. ‘No, for God’s sake no!’

I think a red cross would’ve sufficed.

8. ‘You talk too much’

Okay Sir yap-a-lot. Stop silencing women.

9. ‘You probably won’t do well this year, but maybe another?’

Who are we to say our supervisors don’t believe in us? After all, we *may* do well next year.

10. ‘There are many ways you could answer the question and none of them good’

Apparently this was an attempt from a lecturer to be motivational. Is this optimistic nihilism? An attempt to make us think through a different philosophical framework?

I’ll be honest, knowing Cambridge it’s likely that that the question just sucks so much that no matter what you answer, even if it’s right, you’ll still lose half of the marks anyway. But let’s pretend that it’s an attempt to exercise our ability to apply the philosophical framework of optimistic nihilism.

11. ‘I promise you I’m meant to be at Cambridge’ *supervisor silence*

This one is less of a diabolical comment and more of a diabolical lack of comment.

12. ‘I’ve found [your effort] insulting, and I am very tired of being insulted by you.’

After extensive analysis I have concluded that there may perhaps be a subtle undercurrent of annoyance here. I’m starting to think he might possibly be mad…

I ask myself this when you cross out an entire paragraph

13. ‘Your forensic approach had the effect of unweaving the rainbow’

The logical part of me knows this refers to Keats. But the rest of me reads this as the most poetic homophobia accusation to ever be commented in the margin of an essay about a straight man.*

*I’m not homophobic, this is a comment on my style of literary criticism.

14. ‘Interesting response. I’m surprised this style of thinking wasn’t covered in the admissions process, to be honest’.

Omg you think I’m interesting???

15. ‘If you’re going to make a claim so assertively at least make sure it’s accurate’

Ouch. Point made.

Time for plan B – I’ll just walk to the Bridge of Sighs and stare into space wistfully until a rich John’s boy asks me what’s wrong. After all, you don’t need to make any assertive claims if you become a rich housewife.

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