Here’s a complete and definitive ranking of every Venom flavour on offer in TP

Spoiler alert: It’s not coffee

1 year ago

Let’s talk Venoms. With the addition of several new flavours, we set out on a mission to settle the age-old debate which has divided TP goers for centuries… which Venom really is the best?

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll be aware of the new flavours that have joined the Venom scene: Pineapple, raspberry, and coffee. Whilst some remain loyal to the classic green and red, others appear to be straying to new-found favourites. So, will green take the top spot? Will it be dethroned by a newcomer? Or will a secret flavour emerge from the shadows? Here’s our definitive ranking of all the Venom flavours on offer in TP.

Green

Of course we have to start off strong with a fan favourite, the green Venom. Both delicious and easy to knock back, it’s the perfect top-up for when your 7pm pres begin to wear off. It’s essentially just orange juice with a bit of pizzazz, though it remains a staple to get you through a night at the Piece. Don’t go too crazy though, word on the street is it’s 17 per cent stronger than red, making it worth dipping into your overdraft. Who could resist?

Red

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Another classic is TP’s spin on a vodka cranberry, otherwise known as the red Venom. More flavoursome than green, its unique fruity blend makes for easy sipping during awkward small talk with people you’ve met once. Its excessive sweetness places it at a slight disadvantage, but we’re willing to overlook this because it tastes so good. Once the sugar rush kicks in, you’ll forget all about this anyways.

Pineapple

Now, for the first of the new flavours, pineapple. This one’s a double whammy; it’s tropical and refreshing, and your boyfriend will thank you later. If the post-summer blues are beginning to creep up on you, this tangy treat is the answer to all your troubles. Definitely one to try.

Raspberry

If you’re a raspberry fanatic, you’re in luck with this one. Every drop of alcohol is undetectable in this fruity concoction. Similar to red, its target audience is those with the sweetest of sweet tooths. Not necessarily anything to write home about, but worth ticking off the bucket list.

Coffee

Finally, onto our last newcomer, coffee. Providing the caffeine hit you’ve been craving, this rogue addition will help to fight the thoughts of being tucked up in bed (yours or otherwise). But active singles approach with caution; no one likes coffee breath. So we’ll leave you with these wise words from a first-time trier, “it’s a juicy watery espresso martini”. Who could resist?

Purple…

Now for a little detour before the results, we thought it only right to address the elephant in the room. The myth of the purple Venom. Maybe we’re the ones living under a rock, but is this a new thing? Does it even exist, or is it a figment of our drunken imaginations? To get to the bottom of this mystery, we contacted the official Timepiece Instagram but they are yet to comment. Very suspicious…

Evidence for our investigation

So, what’s the verdict?

All things considered, these new additions put up a tough fight. Tallies were counted, and drunk friends asked, and the final verdict proved green to reign victorious. The sweetness of red seemed to be detrimental to its popularity, and though the new flavours brought something different to the table, nothing can top the simple yet tantalising flavour of a green venom. Do with these results what you will, because at the end of the day, your first couple venoms are the only ones that count – chances are you won’t remember the rest!