Eight Irritating things only Edinburgh Uni students would understand

As enchanting and thrilling the city and university can be, it may be slightly too good to be true. Every corner you turn, useless tutorial you attend and Nile Valley Wrap consumed will probably bring with it yet another story you NEED to share with your friends about just how annoying everyone (bar you) is in this city. If none of these have ever happened to you, don’t get your hopes up, you’re never safe from them.

1. Feeling like an SAS soldier crossing middle meadow walk

The surge of adrenaline and fear, keeping your head on a constant swivel – are you crossing middle meadow walk or no mans land? The skills set needed for both activities is exactly the same to be honest.

You need to be as agile and alert as a soldier storming the Somme to avoid the string of cyclists thundering towards you at what seems like 50 mph.

2. Dodging the bubonic plague on Lothian Busses

I understand that Edinburgh is a cold city and Freshers’ Flu is rife, but is that really an excuse to cough and splutter one’s lungs out right behind me?

You’ll be minding your own business, gazing out the window with headphones in like the main character you are and then suddenly you can hear the sound barrier crack in two with the loudest, wettest and most contagious cough you have ever had the displeasure to hear.

3. The layout of Pleasance

At least you can always find the squash court to hit away your frustration x

The layout of Pleasance was conceived by a sadistic architect who found logic to be an unnecessary feature of building design.

The many halls and stairways of Pleasance gym make it feel like you are in Hogwarts, with moving staircases and disappearing rooms. Accurate directions to the spin room from reception could include phrases like “just over the bridge”, “knock three times”, “recite the ancient incantation” and “go f*ck yourself you stupid little student” and I wouldn’t bat an eye.

4. Lunch rush hour

Black Medicine, Nile Valley, Fettle, Africano Wrap, the Library Cafe – all cute little snack spots during most hours of the day. But from 12-2pm, these eating spots become an overstimulating, loud and crowded nightmare. Waiting in line for over 20 minutes to then elbow your way past the rest of the queue and find that not a single chair is empty to eat at. Not a solitary couch, raised bar stool or wall space free to lean against.

Potterrow is another honourable mention considering the great deals of the library bar have been temporarily axed while Teviot has its botox and filler done. Avoid Potterrow at lunch time at all costs if you like the concept of sitting and eating. I will leave my lecture five minutes early solely to get my iced matcha in peace because these lunch rush hours are my pet hate at Edinburgh.

5. 500 different weathers in a day

Good luck trying to break through the wind to reach a coffee shop

If you have an anxious attachment style, I suggest that you switch universities, because Edinburgh is not for you. This city will not commit to a particular weather pattern each day, it will not do what it said it would on the weather app and it will NEVER let you feel secure in your outfit choice.

As soon as you’ve put on your fur coat to fight the biting wind, the sun will peek its head out so cheekily, as if you don’t have to now peel off three layers and carry them about with you for the next two hours. Don’t worry though, they’ll come in handy again later when it starts randomly raining for 20 minutes!

Don’t even think about reaching for an umbrella in the rain either, because experience has taught me that rain rarely comes without wind in Edinburgh. So unless you want to produce a low budget version of Mary Poppins, I suggest you leave the umbrellas at home and invest in a lightweight raincoat that you can stuff in your library tote bag.

6. Society tea

Outdoor activities leading to orgies? Sports teams getting their freshers absolutely wasted on the meadows? Society tea is absolutely delicious and a welcome addition to any boring conversation.

If you are joining a society to truly get involved with a hobby, the unnecessary tea that seems to plague many sports and cultural societies may become quite tiring. If this is you, maybe join the quidditch society, I’ve never heard anything scandalous from them.

7. Not being able to dress like a bad b*tch cause its cold

Layering for Edinburgh weather without looking like the Michelin man is an art I simply have not yet mastered. The mini-short and waistcoat outfits saved on my Pinterest will languish unreplicated until climate change finally warms Edinburgh up enough for me to dress in the style I so deserve. Until then, I will glumly style my thermal layers and eradicate any trace of a silhouette with my oversized jacket – looking like a puffed up pigeon in the rain.

8. Poshos

Yeah, I bet you guys thought you had escaped this list. We see you smoking outside the library and dominating the Pollock demographics. Most of you are actually nice people and are just trying to get by, but I’m looking at the ones who are so out of touch that they may as well be on the moon.

Whether you feel outnumbered in Pollock or have been personally victimised by a Tilly, Beatrice, Tarquin or Charles – you are not alone, we all find them a bit irritating. But don’t worry posh people, you are a staple here at The Tab and we love to hate you xx.

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