A brutally honest day one ranking of all 16 new housemates in Big Brother 2023

Big Brother is back. Like, it’s actually back. And honestly, all my fears for the ITV era of the greatest reality TV show of all time were quelled with last night’s launch show – introducing us to the 16 new housemates ushering in a new era. This bunch of 16 are honestly perfectly cast, even the ones who are clearly going to rub people up the wrong way are going to create a perfect storm of TV and chaos. With launch night in the bag, here’s my ranking of all the new Big Brother housemates based on day one alone.

16. Henry

I mean, let’s get serious. There’s no way I’m ranking someone who walked into Big Brother the weekend after the most depressing, anger-inducing Conservative conference of my lifetime as a proud royalist Tory anywhere other than dead last – the other housemates would have to do truly dismal things to be worse than him. Get Henry gone.

15. Dylan

A DJ from Coventry. Not really got much else to say about this fella. Not a villain but I think if I ended up in the house with him we’d make the worst small talk on earth and I’d be stood there looking like the Kevin James meme.

14. Matty

Did we need two white boys with curly perms? If we did, this is the one I’m warming to least. Didn’t like how he had his shoes off in his VT. I would hate to tar all hippies with the same judgemental brush but hope he showers daily. Peace and love, yes – but also soap.

13. Tom

The marginally less annoying of the white mullet boys. Tom is like one of those lads I’d meet in the smoking are of a night out, share a bit of vape with and then get on Instagram for us to never interact ever again for the rest of our lives.

12. Jenkin

Annoying as hell actually, but obsessed with him having to endure an enslaught of trauma within the first hour in the house. A suitcase blown up, hot water eradicated, an enemy made in Olivia. And got told he had the worst dress sense. You could not make it up.

11. Paul

Unfortunately, if there’s one way to my heart it’s by being a gobby Scouse lad who talks about wanting to get down into his boxers every other sentence. Cannot STAND the Union flag tattoo on his arm but I’ll just make him wear long sleeves I guess.

10. Jordan

Not someone I’d ever particularly want in my company but a great housemate potential here if he doesn’t get too stuck on the evil Henry. Very funny that he’s from Scunthorpe but has decided to speak like he’s in Downton Abbey – the kind of rogue character who could make good TV. Have to rate it. Also enjoyed his mum being a random glam prinny.

9. Zak

Not just a gorgeous ASOS model, but someone who genuinely seems like a gorgeous person. Instant good egg. Lovely vibes.

8. Noky

Simply one of the most beautiful human beings I think I’ve ever laid eyes on. So, so ready for her to slay everyone into oblivion.

7. Olivia

HEAR ME OUT! I know everyone thinks she’s insufferable after her reaction to her nominated for eviction saga, but this is what we NEED. A moody, bratty diva who’s going to cause havoc! Keep her in! This year’s Megan McKenna meltdown potential. We cannot waste this.

6. Chanelle

We didn’t see much of Chanelle last night, but considering her name’s track record on Big Brother belonging to icons only (Hayes, McCleary) I have a good feeling about her. Also think it’s beyond iconic that she turned up for her Big Brother promo shoot in leggings, socks and trainers. Very ‘nipping to Nisa’ chic.

 5. Kerry

I’m sorry but if you watch that video and tell me Ar Kerry deserves to be anywhere other than in the top five of this Big Brother housemates ranking, there’s something very wrong with you.

4. Hallie

18 YEARS OLD!? 18!? Instant icon. Love her. Fun vibes, great accent, full of personality. One to watch methinks.

3. Trish

Nothing but the upmost respect for MY leader of the opposition. Comrade Trish.

2. Farida

In the words of Busted, it’s what I go to school for. 50-year-old women in the Big Brother house, bursting with personality and a strong regional accent. Inject it. We are so back, baby.

1. Yinrun

An icon is instantly born with Yinrun. The fact she walked in, saw everyone frozen playing musical statues and her first instinct was to just … hide? She gave us a classic laugh one MINUTE into her tenure as a housemate. She then did whatever the hell she was doing when she was stood on her own by the mirror rolling her head back like she was in an A24 film. She then put on a red wig for some reason. I love her so much.

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