Ranking the 2023 Islanders’ talent show performances by how toe-curlingly cringe they were

Ahh, the Love Island talent show. The highlight of the calendar year. The event night that makes Britain’s Got Talent look like the shit on my shoe. Nothing makes me cringe or woop harder than seeing a load of Love Islanders exploited for their cringe factor. I’m pleased to announce that the Love Island talent show of 2023 was filled with cringe moments, so I of course thought it best to get them all ranked by how much my toes curled when watching! Duh!

NOT CRINGE AT ALL

10. Lochan

Via ITV

Let’s just say I didn’t know I had a kink for watching men chuck frisbees at letters of their name before last night, but I shit you not: This has changed the trajectory of my life.

9. Whitney and Tyrique

Via ITV

I’m going to tell my kids this was Nelly and Kelly. A pop culture moment in time. A genuinely well rounded bop with clever lyrics? I just know Wes Nelson was punching walls at home when he watched Ty drop them bars.

I AM SADLY CRINGING A LICCLE BIT

8. Zachariah

Via ITV

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7. Ella B

Via ITV

Ellaby is clearly amazing, very talented, smashed the hell out of it. But when someone is a bit too good, and goes for it a bit toooooo hard… you just can’t help but cringe unfortunately. She reminded me of that girl who dances on Joey at Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve in that Friends episode.

6. Jess and Ella

Via ITV

Felt like I was watching Louise and Justine Littlewood perform in The Dumping Ground back garden unfortunately.

CERTIFIED CRINGE

5. Sammy

Via ITV

Annoyed me a lot that his headstand impressed me, but the cringe came in droves every time he shouted or ran around the firepit like an excitable imp in an attempt to get the audience “hyped”.

4. Molly

Via ITV

The Marsh makes me cringe standing still, so when she’s doing a Lea Michele version of hula-hooping rest assured I’m cringing. She’s the corniest woman alive.

3. Mitch

Via ITV

What the Jason Manford was going on here? This was the straight person equivalent of Alexis Michelle trying to roast Michelle Visage on Drag Race.

CRINGED SO HARD MY TOES CURLED OFF AND LANDED ON THE FLOOR

2. Abi

Via ITV

The producers are pure evil for this. The fact they put her right after Ellaby too… They knew what they were doing. I feel sorry for Abi but not sorry enough that I didn’t die inside watching this. Sheer terror and trauma. If this happened to me on national telly I’d never leave my house again.

1. Scott

Via ITV

How did we come to this? National treasure Scott undoing the country’s love for him with one rendition of an Emeli Sande song. What timeline are we living in? The Love Island 2023 talent show was simply too cringe to function. I’m calling Ofcom.

Love Island 2023 is on ITV2 and ITVX. For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook. 

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