Um, Wakey Wines has released a single and of course there’s a music video

Have you ever watched a Wakey Wines video on TikTok and thought, wow, these two charismatic boss men need to dip their toes into the music industry? I haven’t either, but that’s exactly what Mohammad Azar Nazir and presumably the mythical Abdul think their viewers and the students who pay to see them storm out onto stages at nightclubs up want – and here we are, living in the world where Wakey Wines have just released a song as a single with a music video to boot. I won’t mince my words: It is hell on earth.

It’s called Come Closer, because of course it is

I’m not going to spend any time saying how the beat low-key slaps, and instead go straight into the lyricism we’re working with here. “Thinking about your body, it’s all for me / Thinking about your body between the sheets” is how this song starts, before going straight into Mohammad saying “WFD sweets in bags for the kids and mums and teens / Got Prime in tropical punch that’s red and lemon and lime and green.” Why did we start this song thinking about shagging before the selling Prime spiel? WHAT’S HAPPENING?

‘Baseball cap back to front, Abdul’s not the only one who goes back’

Some of these lyrics are just… wow. Couple them with a load of people off the street dancing around the shop and you’ve got yourself a fascinating and surreal slice of British pop culture. I particularly love “We welcome everyone, we don’t care about height or size or races.” I won’t rest til I know if they care about sexualities. I need closure.

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