A guide to great phone sex while you’re self-isolating and desperately horny

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Every day brings more expert advice that we need to stay indoors and reduce physical contact to a minimum. That’s fair enough, we hear the advice, we get the reasons and we want to do our bit. But now three months have passed and there’s a sex ban!

You’re in a long term relationship, a new fling or just a regular bonk and now it’s all been put on hold for god-knows how much longer. There’s only one option – good old fashioned phone sex.

However, it’s not as simple as that, things have changed. Now that we’re all housebound, phone sex is more complicated than before. There are more logistics to consider, more planning. Well, don’t worry because we’ve thought this through and put together a guide on how to have excellent phone sex even with all this coronavirus madness happening around us.

A guide to great phone sex while you’re self-isolating:

Be aware: finding somewhere no one can hear you will be tricky

Now that you and most of your household are either working from home, social distancing or self-isolating, the house is always full of people. Finding a room where you can comfortably have phone sex is going to be tough.

If you’re willing to stay up, a late-night phone sex call could work. However, you’ll definitely have to stay quiet to avoid any awkward “pls can you keep it down” texts.

If you’re desperate to be loud and free with your call, it may take some tactical planning. For example, organise a group walk. Encourage everyone to do some exercise together and then drop out last minute. Use an “important work call” as your excuse.

Avoid the small talk

There’s no need for “hey, how are you?”, “how’s your day been?” and “how was work?”. We all know the answers – I’m stuck at home, I’m bored and I’m anxious about coronavirus.

Just get straight to it. It’s probably been a while since you’ve seen each other and who knows how long this could go on for. Get down to the sexy talk, no one has time for pleasantries during a crisis.

Don’t kill the mood by bringing up the news

It’s the elephant in every room. It’s easy chat and a shared interest that could break the ice if you’re both feeling a bit nervous. However, don’t go there.

It will only encourage a long debate about the coronavirus vaccine, whether Boris is doing enough and the state of the NHS. How can you ever come back from that? You can’t.

There might be some room for some corona-role play

Even though the news is a no-go topic, you could still incorporate corona into the sexy chat if you really want to. For example, your partner is a fit doctor and you’re about to get tested. The results come back straight away and you’re negative! Hurray. Then suddenly you’re having sex.

If you don’t want to do corona-related role play, pretend that you’re both on a beautiful sunny beach together, drinking cocktails – that’s a big sexual fantasy for everyone right now.

Don’t mention how ill you feel

If you’re isolating because you’re ill, it’s best not to talk about it. Discussing how snotty or phlegmy you are is rarely ever a necessary part of phone sex, but even more so now. The phone sex should be an opportunity for you both to escape the reality of this situation and just enjoy each other. Even if you feel like shit, if you’re horny enough and ready to make this phone sex work, you need to push through.

If you’re whacking out the toys, make sure they’re sterilized

Keeping your toys clean should be a given, but no one wants to catch coronavirus from their own vibrator. Say you’ve recently been for a walk or to the shops, your hands might be contaminated and then you could contaminate your toy. Wash your hands, wipe your phone and clean your toys – phone sex can be hygienic AND sexy, I swear.

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