‘Ready for a shagfest in quarantine’: How coronavirus is affecting sex lives

Love in the time of cholera? Sex in the time of corona


Right now there is a boy changing his Tinder bio from “trying to leave the single market before the EU does” to “looking for someone to go into quarantine with me”. He is grateful for this opportunity to rinse another topical issue to convince his matches that he is culturally woke and has the humour levels of Jack Whitehall. Whilst Joe from Lancaster revels in his newfound Tinder success, other people are feeling the knock-on effects of coronavirus on their sex lives.

‘I didn’t pull at sports night this week – it was a sacrifice, but one I had to make’

If you’re going to contract coronavirus anywhere, it will probably be on the floor of your grotty Students’ Union as you snog your second hockey player of term who is sticky with sweat and spilt VK. So it’s no surprise some students are forgoing a disappointing and tonsillitis-inducing kiss with a sports captain this week. Harriet, 19, told The Tab:  “I didn’t pull at sports night this week. It was a sacrifice, but one I had to make.”

Equally, dick appointments are being cancelled globally: “The guy I’m shagging is currently in the Philippines and I dunno how safe he’ll be when he’s back. Plus he’s an amazing shag idk if that would keep me away hahahaha.” Even in times of crisis, we all have our priorities: a good shag.

‘Last time I had sex COVID-19 didn’t exist. This is a me problem.’

Gyms have been confirmed to be a hotbed for coronavirus, giving all of us who haven’t used our GraceFit bands since January 3rd a real reason not to step foot in a gym. Coronavirus has also given some people a reason for their lack of late night action, blaming the risk of infection on their lack of pulling. Stacey, 24, admitted that she can’t exactly blame the global pandemic for her dry DMs: “Tbh I can’t blame coronavirus at this point. Last time I had coitus COVID-19 didn’t exist. This is a me problem.”

And for those of us with sex on tap in long-term relationships, the situation isn’t much better: “My boyfriend is on immunosuppressants and I’m honestly scared to death that I’m gonna kiss him and give him corona. The only way he could genuinely protect himself would be to self isolate now and not go out into the world until there’s a vaccine available”, Freya, 20, says.

‘I’m going on spring break and am reconsidering shagging an American footballer’

If you haven’t yet been recalled from your year abroad, chances are it’s being affected anyway. Louise, 21, is facing her first spring break in America, and is rethinking the plans she’d made for an All American experience: “I’m going on spring break and am reconsidering shagging an American footballer”. Spring break = ruined, bucket list = incomplete.

Others, however, are taking a more ‘you only live once’ approach, deciding that if they’re going to meet their maker at the hands of a global pandemic, they may as well have one last orgasm: “If I get quarantined I’m taking Lewis with me and I’m gonna shag his brains out for two weeks”. Well, once you’ve binge watched Love Is Blind what else is there to do in self-isolation?

Nothing quite like a deadly virus to liven up the bedroom. Wash your hands and take your STI tests kids.

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