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How to prepare for your next dick appointment, step by step

Don’t forget to moisturise your butt!

Preparing for a dick appointment is a momentous task. It requires planning, dedication and far, far more effort than a boy will ever undertake when getting ready for… well, anything.

You don't have to do the Absolute Most™ when preparing for a dick appointment – it's up to you how much you prep. But for an extensive, expert checklist, you have come to the right place.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's begin.

1. Shave, if you want to

How much you shave is up to you. Don't shave at all if you don't want to! However, this is number one on the checklist because it genuinely is the first thing most women do to prep before a dick appointment, so for ease, it's here.

It's also here in case you have a dick appointment in ten minutes and you're reading this suddenly realising you forgot to shave your legs. But again, body hair is personal and what's most important is that you do you.

2. Exfoliate that shit

You might normally shave and moisturise pre-shag, that's pretty standard practice, but exfoliating really takes it the extra mile. Get rid of all that dead skin, it primes your body to be extra silky smooth.

3. Moisturise every crevice

Get your nicest smelling moisturiser – maybe ditch the super heavy duty eczema cream just for today – and lather it all over you. Top tip: Moisturise your butt and tits. You are guaranteed to get a "Wow your skin is so soft" comment if you moisturise these areas.

Also, beware over moisturising. If you use a heavily perfumed moisturiser all over your neck and boobs right before you see the guy then when he kisses or sucks on either of those bits you're gonna taste a bit perfumey or like rubbing alcohol. Also if you're too slippery like a seal you might slip out of his hands like a bar of soap.

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Me waiting for my dick appointment to return from war

4. Stick the tunes on

You might not have a sex playlist – they're not for everyone. Also the type of people who usually have sex playlist are the people who think The Weeknd and Khalid playing non stop for 46 minutes will suffice. They are wrong. Put songs on that make you feel sexy, whatever works for you.

5. Red wine, feeling fine

If you're nervous, have a wee glass of wine or a sexy alcohol (i.e not Sourz or port). But heed this warning: Do not accidentally get drunk before a dick appointment. It does not look good for you.

6. Timing is key

This all depends on how much of a flake your dick appointment is. If he's a good, consistent man, get ready with 15 minutes to spare before he's due to arrive. You do not want to feel rushed before a dick appointment.

However, if he's not consistent, the rules are different. Any woman who has had a crush on a deeply unreliable man knows one thing for sure: Do not put your makeup on unless you know they have left their house. Otherwise, if he flakes, you have to take it off and look at yourself in the mirror getting un-ready while feeling ultra depressy. Not a vibe.

7. Pick the underwear (and outerwear)

Each dick appointment is different, like a snowflake. So the lingerie you wear should be too, and what goes on top of it as well. Are you doing something else before your dick appointment? A full bodysuit and suspenders probably isn't a good match for that. Trying to look chill because it was a bit impulsive? Opt for a sexy thong and no bra, maybe with a crop top or big t-shirt on top, fit but seemingly effortless. I once answered the door in just a towel. Go with whatever you want.

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8. Wear primer, or setting spray

If you want that makeup to stay on even when it's hot and heavy, you're gonna have to make sure that shit is GLUED to your face. Be wary of flaky mascaras, too. They will suffer during sex and you'll look like a very dishevelled panda.

9. Pick some mood lighting

If you don't have your fairy lights on for your dick appointment, what are you doing? If the bonking is happening on your turf, you need to pick the softest, most flattering lighting. If you have any kind of fairy lights, strip lights or lamps, these are what you want.

Boys are stupid so when you shag at theirs you'll probs have to deal with a bright white main light – turn that shit off and do it in the dark, it's sexier. Unless you like to have sex which feels like you're shagging in a cannabis farm, then go off I guess.

10. Paint your nails

This helps you feel a bit more put together. You don't want to give a handjob with chipped nail varnish, that just isn't Gucci.

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11. Eat fruit

You are what you eat, and some things make you taste better than others. Fruit, including pineapple and mangos, are the way to go. Also staying hydrated is also important. Things that don't make you smell or taste too good are alcohol, cigarettes and any particularly odorous foods i.e curries and strong cheeses.

This is only really going to help you if you munch down a fuck load of mango a good 24 hours before your dick appointment, so if you're short on time – don't bother, just have a shower like you normally would. Also remember NOT TO WASH the inside of your vagina if you're looking to smell or taste nice, because it fucks with your Ph balance. Don't upset the vag, my dude.

12. If you're going to theirs, pack essentials

Spare pants are non negotiable. You do not want to be walking around in those bad boys from the night before, trust me on that. Concealer, makeup remover if you're brave/kind to your skin, condoms and lube just in case. If you're down, toys. Charger.

Featured image via Netflix

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We asked girls how they prepare for dick appointments, and WOW you guys are some evil geniuses