I got boys on Tinder boys to send me Valentine’s poems and, romance really is dead!

It's Valentine's Day and I'm bored of waiting for boys to up their graft and ask me out on a date. It's time to take matters into our own hands ladies, and start asking them out first.

So as punishment for their truly SHOCKING flirting skills, I asked boys on Tinder and Bumble to send me their finest poetry. I want to be romanced with roses, Shakespeare and a cheeky bottle of prosecco. But seeing as that is clearly too much to ask in 2019, I decided to play the boys at their own game.

I told them to send me their most romantic poem and, if I liked it, I would go on a date with them.

As an English Lit student, it was very unlikely that any of their poems would land, but that absolutely did not stop them from trying. Bless.

They started out very flattering and actually made me BLUSH

Oh, it only gets cuter.

Is any one else swooning? Or… vomming?

Then the fuck boys came along with their kinky fuckery

At first, I thought there was a Snow White comment coming my way. You know, praising my fair skin, princess quality and the seven boys – definitely not dwarves, six foot and above pls – skuttling at my feet.

Instead, I got a cryptic version of "send me a nude bbz". Classic.

Some of them even tried to hide their sexting with romance!

I'm fairly sure he got the "roses" and "violets" the wrong way round – but don't all great poets break the rules anyway?

My knight in shining armour FINALLY made an appearance

He may be a hero, but honestly this is just sickening. I prefer the dirty messages. Fuck boys, pls come back.

Oh thank god, the dickheads have returned

Some may find this a little rude, but I rate any guy who can put me in my place with a poem – and make it rhyme at the same time. I may even use this comeback myself.

Grab a sick bucket, the cringe verses are back

Even though I appreciate the "golden curls" and "brightest pearls" comments, I feel like the boy is way too attached already. Come on, I sent you one message and then deleted you. Maybe I'm the dickhead…

And then it just got plain weird

I have definitely just bagged myself a stalker and/or murderer. Oh well, at least I got a poem out of him.

"Her name is George but she's not a guy." Hold the fucking phone, Shakespeare has been resurrected.

That's it, I'm deleting Tinder and Bumble for the ten millionth time. Pass me the vodka.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• I tried to pull boys on campus by acting out romcom scenes – but did it work?

• I went to McDonald’s on Valentine’s Day to see if I could find someone to date me

• I put all my exes in a group chat and watched all hell break loose