From delicacies to disgust: Rating your Newcastle Uni library snacks

Library snacking is a delicate art—some of you have mastered it. Others, as you will soon learn, have not. I’m here to rank your choices—choose wisely, or prepare to be judged.

1. Grapes – Elite

This is how you snack with dignity. Grapes are silent. They don’t smell. They don’t leave a mess. This is peak library etiquette. They’re hydrating, refreshing, and require zero effort to consume. If this is your go-to, I respect you deeply. You are a considerate individual, a person of taste, someone who understands the importance of community. Well done. Bonus points if they are seedless.

2. Bread and Dip – Controversial, but I rate it

A little unconventional, yes. But if you’re here with a bread roll and some hummus, or even tzatziki, I have no choice but to respect you. There’s a level of sophistication to it. It’s a bit dramatic for a study session, but at least it’s not disruptive. Just be wary of crumbs— if you’re making a mess, your ranking will drop.

3. Wotsists – My Personal Bias is Carrying You

By all logic, Wotsits should be banned. They’re so orange its almost radioactive, they smell pretty cheesy and the rustling of the packet is unnecessarily disruptive. But unfortunately for everyone else, I love them. If you’re a Wotsits eater, you are living life recklessly. Personally, I let them dissolve in my mouth, but if you crunch them I don’t mind – just don’t touch your keyboard after eating them, I beg.

4. Meal deal sandwiches – Conditional acceptance

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This is a complicated one. Some sandwiches are completely fine. A BLT? Solid. Plain cheese sandwich? Safe but boring. I wouldn’t even be mad at a hoisin duck wrap. But the second you venture into Tuna Sweetcorn territory you have lost all rights.

If you have anything with egg in it, I fear you. Don’t get me started on Prawn Mayonnaise or Coronation Chicken. There are rules to the Meal Deal in a library, this is about basic respect for the people around you. Choose wisely.

5. Leftovers – Unhinged but economical

I respect the hustle. You’re making smart financial choices. You’re meal-prepping. You’re being responsible. However, the location is everything. If you’re sitting at a library desk tucking into last night’s dinner, I need you to take a step back. Salads? Fine. Pasta? Okay. A stir fry? Sure, maybe. But if you’ve packed yourself something overly fragrant, you have failed.

I’m talking canned fish, noodles with a side of kimchi, a batch-cooked curry you’ve defrosted, anything with a vinegar dressing.  Leftovers should be eaten away from people actively trying to focus. There are designated eating spaces. Use them.

6. Overly offensive crisps – The crunching, the rustling, the audacity.

A dangerous game in the library. Some crisps are tolerable. Some crisps are not. Cheese and Onion? No. Monster Munch? Absolutely not. Quavers? Jail. It’s not just about the smell. It’s about the sound. The crinkling of the packet. The slow, deliberate crunching. The way you try to chew quietly but only make it worse.

I have been known to tuck away bags of Prawn Cocktail Walkers in the Philip Robinson but at least I have the self-awareness to scoff them in shame. Some of you sit there, loud and proud, crunching like a menace to society. And for that, I simply cannot forgive you. (Again, Wotsits are exempt. I don’t make the rules).

7. Greggs – Understandable but choice matters

We’re in Newcastle. Greggs is practically a way of life here. I cannot, in good conscience, tell you not to bring it into the library. That being said, not all Greggs items belong in the library. A sausage roll? Fine. A steak bake? Acceptable. A sweet treat? Even better. But a Katsu bake or a spicy veg pizza? Absolutely not. Stick to the basics, keep the crumbs under control, and we won’t have a problem.

8. Anything that requires a spoon – Get out

The level of self-confidence required to bring spoon-based food into a silent study space is truly something. Who raised you? I don’t care if it’s healthy, convenient, or part of your new balanced lifestyle. Soups, yoghurts, smoothie bowls, porridge? All no.

The sound of slurping will send me into fight or flight mode. If you’re scraping the bottom of a plastic yoghurt pot while I’m trying to focus, I will be thinking violent thoughts. Minus points if it’s a plastic spoon #savetheturtles.

9. Fast food – I love it, but NOT here

Don’t get me wrong, I love a Wrap of the Day or a 99p cheeseburger – probably more than the average person. Have you tried the new McDonalds Stormzy Meal? I would recommend. But not in the library.  The smell lingers. The grease transfers. And worst of all? It makes everyone around you irrationally angry.

Not just because it stinks up the place, but because now we’re all sitting here, miserable, watching you live our dream. The jealousy, the rage, the injustice. Just please, save it for outside.

10. Hard boiled eggs – Straight to jail

I shouldn’t even have to say this, but some of you need to hear it. Do not bring hard-boiled eggs into the library. I have seen it happen in the Philip Robinson Library – on more than one occasion. I have watched people at their desk unpeeling a hard-boiled egg, that they have bought from home (not even from a meal deal), acting like it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

It’s the smell of sulphur and shame that truly makes this unforgivable. If this is you, please take your eggs, take your peeling hands, and remove yourself from the premises immediately.