Unspoken laws of Birmingham Uni: How to avoid humiliation as a student

Getting lost around campus or being way off the correct seminar answer is acceptable once or twice, but at some point you have to learn from your mistakes. Everyone will do something humiliating at some point during their years at the University of Birmingham but don’t let it become a regular thing. So, let me help you maintain what’s left of your dignity and make sure you don’t make these silly mistakes as well.

Avoid the Teaching and Learning stairs at all costs

Even if you only need to get to the first floor, take the elevator or be prepared to face embarrassment. Spoiler alert: You’ll either look like a toddler climbing stairs, or Neil Armstrong bouncing around on the moon, there is no in-between. There is no cool way to walk up these stairs, you will look silly so best to just own it.

Do not underestimate how short a 10 minute lecture break really is

You won’t have time to get a coffee and go to the toilet in that time. So pick one, and pray to the gods that you made the right decision. No one wants to be walking in late, Costa in hand, when the lecturer is deep into theory that you needed to understand for your assignment.

Do not walk into the library at 1pm during exam season confident that you’ll get a good spot, you probs won’t

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Either drag yourself there early and get your pick of the best seats or hang around on campus until all the workaholics vacate to find their evening study sweet treat. You’re definitely not going to find a free table for you and your mates so don’t even bother trying. Why not try a new spot? JG Smith is great for group projects or why not try the silent study space in Aston Webb? Just remember that if you really need to get that essay done then don’t bank on it being completed in the library.

Avoid peak times at Sport and Fitness like the plague

If you’re rocking up to the gym at 6pm thinking you’ll be able to use the lat pulldown machine hassle-free then think again. You might be able to use it after a 20 minute wait whilst having to make small talk with the guy on all sorts of steroids, trying to convince you and himself that his physique is “au naturale”. You’ll even struggle to find a free treadmill during peak times cause it’s that busy. That’s when you’ve gotta debate being better than everyone and dragging yourself to the gym at 5am.

DO NOT walk under Old Joe if he’s about to chime

This might be a very spoken about law but it’s still important that you listen. Otherwise, you’ll fail your degree and no one wants that. So listen to me and don’t waste your money by failing in such an avoidable way. I’ve warned you. Don’t be like this silly guy and risk everything you’ve worked so hard for (allegedly).

Try not to get lost when looking for a new room, style it out as if you own the place

Even in third year, you could get a building on your timetable that you’ve never even heard of before and that’s okay. The campus map is not just for silly fresh on their first week. It’s also for antisocial third years who only know their way to the Spar and the library. Nobody wants to ask for directions but sometimes it has to be done and most of the time, they won’t have a clue either. If you would rather risk your degree and not go to a lecture late, you can also use the University’s map app which shows you where all the builds are! Anyone know where the Bryn Gough room is? Asking for a friend.

If you have a class in Gisbert Kapp then be prepared to leave home 30+ minutes before you normally do

Unless you’re a fresher living on the Vale, enjoy your lie-in while you can. Just you wait until you are stuck in Selly, having to trek there like the rest of us. If you are showing up early to your seminar in Gisbert Kapp then you really are committed to the cause. I applaud you cause I could never.

Do not go the wrong way down the Arts Building stairs

Enough said. No one wants to be shoving their way past people, just follow the arrows like everyone else. There’s nothing which boils my blood more than a slow walker going the wrong way on the Arts Building stairs, not sure which planet you live on but there are laws to this place!

Before answering a seminar question, make sure you know the answer

Nobody wants to hear the “I can see why you’d think that” line. Sometimes its okay to be a sheep and stay silent like the rest. Most of the time, someone will know the answer and it’s okay if that someone is not you. There is nothing better than sitting in silence for five minutes because nobody understands the seminar reading or the lecturer’s questions…

If in doubt, use the elevator, no one wants to show up a sweaty mess

Stairs are not always the answer. I get out of breath getting to the second floor of the library, let alone eighth floor in Muirhead Tower. There are four elevators for a reason girl, you are not cool for taking the stairs. I will always use the elevators, especially after walking up Sport and Fitness hill to my lecture at 9am, there is no way I’m being shamed to get a elevator.