The ultimate Edinburgh guide to going to the club sober

Clubbing sober is a skill. Fortunately, it’s one that I am very well versed in, and I am more than happy to share the tips and tricks. But first, why would you do this? Well, here are the benefits. The biggest one has got to be how cheap it is – I spend maybe £10 per night out, sometimes nothing. Secondly, the lack of hangover… that’s right you can go out, and still have a productive day the next day (albeit fuelled with a bit of caffeine). And finally, my personal favourite, is the ability to remember everything. Your friends will hate you for it, and you will have video proof of all their silly antics x

In order to gain the ability to step foot into a club running on nothing but caffeine and sugar, you will need to consider the following things:

1. The location

This will come at no surprise, but you know what might shock you? Hive is one of the best locations for clubbing sober. Now, hear me out. Hive has multiple areas, so if you get bored, you can just go for a wander. It is also so chaotic that something – or someone – is guaranteed to keep you entertained. And this may be the most shocking thing of all… Hive is the quietest club (in the literal volume sense), that’s right, next time you go (and I know you all secretly go) notice how you can actually hear your friends on the dance floor.

As for the worst location, this is any club that is packed, I’m thinking WhyNot on sports night… But seriously, who actually enjoys being shoved repeatedly for hours?

2. The location (again, but different)

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Look how demure we are, on the outskirts of the crowd, not shoving into people x

The location within the club is equally important. I’m looking at all of you who run to the stage in Subway. Just stick to the outer bits of the crowd. You have room to dance without someone literally breathing down your neck. You won’t get sweaty – or sticky. And you can get a drink, or go to the toilet, without having to “sorry, excuse me, sorry, excuse me,” (at least I hope you all have the decorum to do so, and not just “battle ram” your way through the crowd).

The best club for this is probably Subway, because it’s small enough that you can be on the outside of the crowd without feeling like you’re dancing alone. The worst has got to be Boteco, maybe I’ve just only been when it’s packed, but there is no space to breathe downstairs.

3. The music

While your drunk mates may be able to stumble about to any music, it’s important as a sober clubber that you actually enjoy the songs. I’m not going to try and tell you where there is good music, because it’s very much a matter of opinion, and I know that most people would in fact say that mine is wrong. But, just consider which clubs actually have a DJ, and which have a millennial with a playlist.

I won’t name any names for this one, in fear of backlash, but I hope clubs know that we are all able to make playlists.

4. Extra equipment

In order to enjoy a night out, without alcohol, you will need a few extra things. Firstly, get yourself some earplugs, they’re life changing. No longer do you have to wince at the poor volume control of intoxicated freshers. Next, you do need a jacket. Or at least a jumper, but the alcohol blanket is real. You will be cold, even though your drinking friends are not. You will be miserable walking home, just bring a jumper.

This one is a new one for me, but emergency chocolate. Now the emergency is really just that you’re tired and crashing, but rather than go to bed, or crack open a third energy drink – because two really is more than enough. Pull out that emergency chocolate. Bouncers might give you weird looks, just offer them a bit, they’ll cheer right up.

5. The right group

If you have followed all of these steps, and still can’t enjoy a sober night out, I’m sorry to tell you, but you might just not have the right group. There’s no real way to identify the right group, but you need the right amount of chaotic, shameless, and considerate friends. 

You need people that will ensure the evening will be full of antics – that you should definitely go along with, despite literally having better judgement. But also check up on each other, because sometimes all you need is a quick smoke break (whether or not you actually smoke), or a cheeky Diet Coke, and it’ll make the difference between staying for “just one” and walking out of Hive at 3am.

If you follow these tips and tricks, you probably will still have a miserable night the first time you try to go out completely sober. But if you keep it up, I promise, it’s just as much fun – if not more.