Which restroom is the best room: A definitive guide to UCL toilets

I do it, you do it – everybody does it.

But we all understand the unmistakable dread of being caught off-guard by that ominous rumbling of the stomach, or an insurmountable call to empty your bladder, but having no clue where to turn on campus. With so many options readily available, how do you know which ones will offer you the most comfortable – and worthwhile – experience for your deposit?

Well, UCL students, fear no more. With this handy little guide we’ll clue you in on all the hot places to go on campus if you, you know, really need to go.

For just a speedy tinkle

Print Room Cafe

Despite sitting along one of the most well-trodden paths on campus, there’s always space for you in one of these beautiful cubicles. Often cleaned, mostly overlooked and just a tad chilly, this option is perfect for a casual wee. However, don’t get too cocky here – the echo they produce is truly humbling, meaning they’re probably not suited to a more intense restroom experience.

UCL East

Perhaps a little too far for the average Bloomsbury campus student to travel for their bodily functions, those on our East campus can rest easy. Their toilets provide a perfect place to perform said functions, and it doesn’t hurt that, due to East’s reduced student population and overall newness, they’re exceptionally unsoiled. But their pristine nature does fill me with a certain kind of protective instinct, so maybe just use them for your type 1 business for now.

Phineas

A reliable location, the Phineas toilets are the site of many a desperate student on our beloved jazz nights. Although they do tend to be more busy and don’t feel quite as clean as others, they provide an adequate spot to relieve yourself after an overenthusiastic period of hydration. Unless you go on Sports Night – then, I would probably avoid them, and maybe just try the floor below instead.

Phineas toilets looking lovely

For those more heavy-duty moments

25 Gordon Square

I’m pretty sure most UCL students don’t realise these loos exist – absolutely perfect for those more meek about their bowel movements. Rarely do people ever cross paths in here, and a strategically placed window ensures nobody has to know about your devious deed. Another plus – the fact that it’s pretty much deserted means you can use toilet paper and soap to your heart’s content, without fear of getting caught short.

Engineering Building, ground floor 

The optimal location for those wishing to avoid potential humiliation at a decibel level in Foster Court or Print Room Cafe. The Engineering Building has surely been christened by every desperate student passing campus, yet remain remarkably clean in an area with a decent amount of footfall. Not one bad experience yet.

Student Centre, any floor

Controversial, I know, but just hear me out. The Student Centre toilets are always a dependable choice. Although you may be waiting upwards of 20 minutes for a free cubicle, when you (eventually) land one, the scene will have already been set for you. Suitably musty, perpetually humid and unpleasantly unclean, any extra “atmosphere” you add will feel right at home. There’s a certain lack of shame and judgement in the Student Centre that you simply don’t get anywhere else on campus, making excretion embarrassment a thing of the past.

SC toilets a bit grubby – but at least someone put the seat down?

ICE (in case of emergency – ONLY)

Science Library, basement

Not only is the Science Library the worst study space on campus, but its toilets don’t hold up to UCL’s “University of the Year” status, either. Tell us why we have to trek all the way down to a harshly-lit basement with toilets that are almost always out of order, running out of toilet paper, and generally downright dingy? Science Library toilets are just not worth your time, unless you’ve found yourself caught in a sticky situation – and even then, I’d consider going elsewhere.

Mully’s

Mully’s toilets – the place we stray further from God everyday. Not once has a UCL student been here and not seen vomit or some kind of unidentifiable liquid somewhere in or around the loos. The floor is constantly sticky – even when it’s been “cleaned” – and the B.O. smell ingrained into the actual bar after years of Saturday karaoke wafting into the restroom with every opening of the door. The only plus is their proximity to copious amounts of alcohol – God knows you need a shot (or three) of liquid courage just to wash your hands in there, let alone do anything else.

IOE bar

UCL’s most high-brow bar, loved dearly by Econ and Postgrad students alike. The Institute loves to assert itself as the most “sophisticated” of all the campus bars, with its fancy cocktail menu, variety of pizza, and massive terrace, and maybe it is a decent place to get a few drinks on a weekday evening. Only if you steer well clear of the toilets, that is. Perhaps my disappointment in these comes from the “civilised” image the bar tries its absolute hardest to project, because, really, the loo situation is anything but that. And considering the photo below was taken at 7pm on a Monday evening – yes, it really is quite bad.

You know it’s bad when we’re recommending SC toilets over these

Realistically, most toilets at UCL probably aren’t that bad – and maybe there are some good ones that we don’t want to spoil for those in the know. If you take away one piece of advice today, all we’d say is: please, don’t do your business in Mully’s.

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