‘Flatcest isn’t cute’: Here are six bright red flags for an Exeter Uni student

When you’re a student at the University of Exeter, it can be hard to realise the red flags in others until it’s too late (been there, done that). In a world full of Tinder, Hinge or even Overheard messages at the worst of times, it becomes difficult to distinguish between those who are green flags and those who you should block and avoid at all costs.

When the TP Venoms start to hit and taste like you want to kiss someone whilst Love Story by Taylor Swift plays for the second time tonight, it becomes even harder to know if you’re attracting the right kind of person into your life. We’ve all been there and attracted some absolute cretins into our life. It’s okay, it’s for the plot. It’s part of what being a little silly is all about. So, to help you make your life easier, here are some red flags that many Exeter students would agree on. If you’re one of these, please reconsider your life choices.

1. Anyone with a mullet

Starting off strong with arguably the worst haircut to exist at the University of Exeter: The mullet. It’s fair to say that some can definitely pull off this iconic 80’s trim, but a lot of people can’t. No offence. It’s not necessarily the haircut itself, it’s just the people associated with this abomination that makes me say it’s a red flag.

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Any guy with a mullet most definitely makes their mullet their ENTIRE personality. They will make it the first thing on their Tinder profile, they will constantly remind you that they are “trying to grow out their mullet” and you will certainly see their greasy mullet swishing around the Forum as you’re just trying to make it to your 9am.

People with mullets love their mullets more than you and that’s a fact. They will keep touching their beloved mullet, caressing it and defending it in any way possible when haters (like me) try to criticise it. So, if a guy with a mullet (and most likely wearing a signet ring and Tom’s Trunks) approaches you in the TP smoking area wanting to buy you a VK, run in the other direction, it’s not worth it.

2. Fever reps

Now, if you’re a Fever rep, no shade to you, but this is a massive red flag for all Exeter students out there. Fever reps will never stop posting about the next Logic Monday event or how to secure your “Dirty Girls love Dirty Beats” merch. You will most likely see all the Fever reps walking around campus in their stained, faded Logic shirts as they desperately try to make themselves look relevant and mysterious as they purchase their flat white in Pret.

Fever reps are most likely first years who think they’re the next Kim Kardashian or Instagram influencer. They will spend their whole time spamming their Instagram stories with new Fever events and shower their posts with their personalised discount to use on the door. Let’s face it, Fever reps are too busy loving Fever than loving you. If you have encountered a Fever rep and they’re a potential match, just know, they will be too busy giving out Logic bucket hats in room two and will leave you on delivered as they live out their celebrity lifestyle. If you’re interested in a Fever rep, you already know that Mondays and Thursdays are off the table to plan dates as they are already in a committed relationship to Fever.

3. People who commit flatcest

This mainly applies to all the freshers out there who are sick and tired of seeing their flatmates conveniently creep out of each other’s room every Thursday morning after a heavy TP Wednesday. Flatcest is a massive no-go in university life and if your flatmates have committed such a crime, I feel so bad for you. There is nothing worse than the awkward pres where they are sat on each other’s laps, constantly flirting with one another or showing up two hours late to pres with new matching bruises on their necks. Flatcest isn’t cute, it’s gross.

If you know someone who has committed flatcest, you know they are a HUGE red flag. It becomes super uncomfortable for everyone else when you can hear them arguing in the corridor for the 10th time that week whilst you’re just trying to enjoy your Pot Noodle. It’s even worse when your flat is trying to enjoy a nice movie night and they are displaying the cringiest PDA, leaving you with no where to look but your other uncomfortable flatmate.

Annoyingly, flatcest becomes an unspoken thing among the flat and sadly, you’ve just got to let your Lafrowda Romeo and Juliet enjoy their moment. They most likely won’t be together by the end of term two, which can either be good news or create even more of an awkward tension amongst the flat. Either way, people who are inclined to dabbling in a bit of flatcest are a massive red flag (just don’t do it).

4. Cheesy Tuesday’s lovers

This can be a green flag or a huge red flag depending on your music taste. But, for a lot of Exeter students, Cheesy’s lovers are HUGE red flags. Now, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a bit of ABBA, a bit of Lady Gaga or even a bit of Hannah Montana. But, where I draw the line is when they’re screaming along to The Greatest Showman at midnight – it’s a massive ick.

Cheesy’s lovers are most likely the theatre kids who cannot wait to enter the cheesiest of cheese known to man. They love getting the shoutouts, they love the show tunes and they just love the cheap shots (which you would have to do a lot of if cheesy tunes aren’t your thing). If you’re interested in someone who is a die-hard Cheesy Tuesday fan, just know that each Tuesday is fully booked, and you will most likely end up seeing them in Mega Kebab gobbling up some cheesy chips after their cheesy night (they just love the cheese).

5. People who can’t cook

University is the time where you become independent and step away from your mother’s cooking and learn how to become your own Gordon Ramsay. Many of us enjoy the art of learning new recipes, trying out new food and cooking enough pasta that would feed a family of five. But, others at uni never learnt the skill or just can’t be bothered to.

People who can’t cook are red flags. Their diet consists of Pot Noodles, Tesco meal deals and Deliveroo. They just see cooking as a chore and would much rather go for convenience than attempt a healthy lifestyle. If these people did try to cook, you just know the fire alarm would be going off at 3am and your flat would have to stand and wait for Estate Patrol as they realise that they left their chicken nuggets in the oven for a bit too long. Perhaps, you’re someone who also can’t cook and relate to this person, meaning it’s a match made in heaven! But, if you end up in bed with someone who can’t cook, the obvious signs are when their bin looks like the outback of Sidwell Street – a red flag to say the least.

6. Rugby players

Last, but certainly not least, are the rugby players. Oh, where do we start? At the University of Exeter, the uni is flooded with many, many, many rugby boys. For some, this is their exact type and will take a 6ft, ape-like man any day of the week. But, for many of us, we know that any rugby boy is the biggest walking red flag known to man. Come on now, they ran through Northernhay in adult nappies. Need we say more?

If you’re still not convinced and have got a bad case of O.W.R.B (obsessed with rugby boys) you’re definitely someone who enjoys seeing how red a flag can get and constantly wear rose coloured glasses when it comes to the rugby specimen. Rugby boys have to be the worst kind at the University of Exeter.

They are definitely more interested in their fellow rugby players than they are with you and would most definitely trade you for a TP Wednesday ticket in a heartbeat. Rugby boys are questionable creatures and quite frankly, they scare me. They are the type to hit you up with a cringey pick up line in the DMs and constantly react with fire emojis to every single story you post. Don’t be fooled by their flirting game, they have most likely copied and pasted the exact same thing to all of Exeter (and definitely send the same messages to their rugby “friends”).

Related articles recommended by this writer:

• We asked Exeter Uni students for their housemate horror stories and here’s what they said
• Here are five things an Exeter student really means when they say they can’t make a lecture
• If you do any of these things in Exeter’s Forum library, you’re the problem