The Tab Companion to: Walks of Shame

RUTH MAINER explains how to turn the traditional Walk of Shame into a Stride of Pride without having to shag Brad Pitt…

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Some people claim they’ve never done it, and normally, they’re liars.

The traditional Walk of Shame doesn’t have to be an imminent fate at University, but having a back-up plan of action never hurt anyone. For those of you as dedicated to Wednesdays at Cindies as you are to completing your degree: here’s how to deal with it when you’ve done the dirty deed.

a classy get-away isn’t always on the cards…

1. Realise where you are and get out fast.

Preferably whilst they’re still sleeping. Locate your pants from behind the toaster and make sure you have both wallet and phone. Stealth is the key; you don’t want to meet any smirking flatmates, especially if you can’t remember what you said, did or screamed. If any awkward social situations do arise, then fake identities are a great invention if you’re sober enough to think on the spot. Remember, mobile numbers always have 11 digits, and your best friend will never know if their name is the first to plop out of your mouth.

2. Now onto the walk of shame.

Boys, you’re at an advantage because the more dressed up you are, the better your disguise as a 9-5 commuter. Girls: that sequined dress isn’t so inconspicuous. But, why be embarrassed? Shuffling along looking at the floor is no way to deflect judgement; you have to own it! Stride on with confidence. You might have been shagging the arse off Brad Pitt all night for all the public know. A little self-belief and you’ll have those squares green with envy at your wild, youthful ways.

Brad knows no such shame as he chooses to do his walk in the nuddy

3. Sexual cleansing.

When safely back at home, the third thing to do is to wash away all that impurity in the shower. Scrub all that scrubber away! Rub-a-dub-dub!

4. Now. What to tell your friends…

Aim for something really bland. ‘Yeah, they were nice, they do economics’ is pretty boring and might not invite further questioning. They were probably too busy dancing to the Friends theme tune and didn’t notice you slip off in the first place.

5. Get checked.

Serious one, guys and girls: if you didn’t use a condom, then give yourself a slap on the wrist from The Tab! You can get STI checks at Clinic 1A at Addenbrookes- or try the NHS Sexual Health website to find the nearest clinic to your college. GUM clinics and most JCR Welfare teams give out condoms (and lube) for free, or you can bulk-buy 144 for just £12.50 from CUSU if you reckon you’ll be rutting maniacally and just don’t have the time or cash to keep popping out for 3 Durex at a time.

You saw it first here on The Tab…

6. Repent.

The great thing about Jesus is that he forgives anyone who is truly sorry, so all you have to do is to remember a few snapshots of your night (if you can) to evoke a feeling of genuine remorse. And, you know, belief in a deity might provide a useful crutch whilst you wait for those all-important STD results. Until then, make an earnest resolution to finish this week’s reading list, take up lacrosse, and see a play! In a few hours you’ll be so immersed in your new life the dirty feeling will be banished. That is, until…

7. You bump into them unexpectedly.

This is the only point at which having pulled a maths geek or member of the Tolkein Society can possibly be a good thing. However, if you’re unfortunate enough to have picked someone that regularly leaves their house, then don’t drop all your books in the corridor like a twat. Cool, calm and collected isn’t a clichéd phrase for nothing. Smile nonchalantly and say, ‘Hey there, hows it going?’. Don’t bother to listen to their response, but nod and walk off like you have somewhere purposeful to go.

Keep it cool…

8. Finally: Look on the bright side.

It’s ok! You didn’t kill anyone and your genitals are probably still intact. When you’re 40 and wound up with kids, you won’t be regretting a misspent youth with some solemn childhood sweetheart- you’ll be savvy, sagacious, and totally mid-life crisis free!

So, there you have it: sorting out the shameful shag, from start to finish.