A first impressions ranking of all the housemates in Celebrity Big Brother

Well, it’s bloody back, babes. Celebrity Big Brother, the show that singlehandedly kept the franchise afloat in the UK during the Channel 5 BB era of the 2010s and gave us some of the most iconic reality tv moments in history. And despite last night being a bit of a mess and the roster being hardly full of household names, I do think there is good potential for chaos with this bunch of randoms shoved in a house together. One night down, here is a first impressions ranking of all the Celebrity Big Brother housemates!

13. Gary Goldsmith

If we could all claim to be celebrities via famous relatives we’d have very different lives I fear. Me, you, my dog – all more famous than Gary Goldsmith. If you aren’t going to tell us where The Middleton is, respectfully: go home.

12. Colson Smith

Craig from Corrie just unfortunately really gets on my tits. He can’t help it and I won’t hold it against him, but I just have an intrinsic impulse to change the channel when I see him. This doesn’t bode well for three weeks of Celebrity Big Brother.

11. Marisha Williams

Perhaps laughs and icon behaviour might loom, but I’m never seated for the big American personalities in Big Brother. Sorry. I want the Tina Malones moaning about. The only exception is Tiffany Pollard.

10. Bradley Riches

I haven’t watched much Heartstopper but feel like the main cast are pretty ingrained in popular culture and plastered all over social media at all times. Wish him well but I’ve never seen this lad in my life. Until I met him two weeks ago and thought he was from TikTok and randomly in conversation brought up how I think Heartstopper is a bit naff. Not a goof night for me and my cringe levels.

9. Nikita Kuzmin

Never my favourite on Strictly because he always seemed a bit high energy, high volume – but he seems like a nice enough fella and I can see myself warming to him.

8. Zeze Millz

Not familiar with Zeze or her work but instantly thought she was pretty great vibes and I’m looking forward to getting to know her, really.

7. Levi Roots

A pretty fun and likeable casting decision, in my opinion. Hate to echo Louis and Sharon, but I think he will be well loved in the house. Also just made me think the whole time “I’ve not had Reggae Reggae sauce for ages.” Got a bit of a hankering for it, now. Marinated chicken looms tonight.

6. Sharon Osbourne

An absolute villain, end of. But you need someone pure evil in there, and Sharon will only be in the gaff for a few days but you can tell from one episode she’s going to be a liability. Her and Louis are just TV of yore that doesn’t fly today and the fireworks they’re going to cause… I’m scared. Obviously completely dislike her but you need a bit of that on telly for the conflict.

5. Louis Walsh

Top five Celebrity Big Brother housemates ranking. Slightly less evil than Sharon Osbourne but still very much evil. You can tell the show is going all out to capitalise on their dynamic, and you can’t really blame them. An absolute liability but toe curlingly cringe telly looms and how can you not applaud that a bit? It killed me off how he both ruined the fact he knew all the housemates who were going in AND that he’d obviously just read the press to see who was gonna be in there.

4. Fern Britton

I personally am 100 per cent here for a Fern Britton TV renaissance, and she’s high up this Celebrity Big Brother first impressions ranking because she comes across as warm, likeable and honest and I need her to dish some serious Schofield DIRT. That’s mother.

3. Lauren Simon

Saw some “who is she” titters last night about Real Housewives of Cheshire icon Lauren Simon last night, and to them I say: educate yourself. This woman is comedy gold. She’s so camp and so like every Cheshire woman you might bump into around the general Alderley Edge area. She also looks like she’s got 10 years younger recently, somehow. Queen.

2. David Potts

GOD POTTS. David ‘WEEKENDER’ Potts is TV gold, sorry. I am dying for all the iconic reaction pictures that loom. He would turn up to the opening of a packet of crisps this one and I would have it no other way. It’s historically important that as a general rule he just doesn’t wear trousers.

1. Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu

To know me is to know I bow at the altar of God-Su. This is a woman who was born to be on TV, and I am so grateful that for the BB crowd who don’t dabble in Love Island and haven’t got round to The Traitors USA yet that they get to witness her greatness. She is perfection. She was always too iconic for the mundane, Molly-Mae nonsense of Love Island and is way better suited to being legendary in the country’s most famous gaff. Bring it on.

For all the latest reality TV news and gossip like this Celebrity Big Brother ranking, and for all the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.  

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