This is what every student is like at a festival, based on their uni
God save me from the LSE rizz in this heat
UK festivals are truly like no other. There’s mud, there’s infested toilets, and there’s sneaking a bottle of vodka in through a loaf of bread. However, nothing makes the UK festivals quite so unique as the uni students that go there. Every single one of them is truly a genuine menace, whether that be through their accent, their underground business deals, or their outfit choices.
Here’s what behaviour you can expect from the uni students of the UK.
The Durham student will most likely have only rocked up at a festival because the land its being held on has been in their family for generations. They’ve gotten in by flashing the family crest that’s shining on their little finger, and have just stopped by to catch up with some old boarding school buddies over a bottle of Dom Perignon and a rollie filled with Amber Leaf. The Durham student is harmless unless provoked, so I would recommend leaving them to their cultish activities if spotted.
If you see an absolutely unhinged individual doing things apparently just for the plot, chances are you’re in the presence of a Newcastle student. If so, you better catch them whilst they’re fresh, because very soon they will be running on no sleep, no food, and will be displaying symptoms of every communicable disease in the vicinity. Newcastle students go hard at every opportunity and have problems saying no when peer pressured, which means they are the best craic.
Exeter students are hard to find during the festival season because they tend to hibernate in the VIP area, a luxury invariably paid for by their dad who they insufferably still call “Daddy”. The Exeter student can also be found checking into a Marriot hotel on the second day for a hot shower and the sensation of some fresh linen sheets. Although a hard find, Exeter students are def a good pal to have on side when the standard entry porter loos get squalid.
Often seen sporting a quarter zip, some boat shoes given to them by Granny for Christmas, and a greasy set of curtains is the LSE student. They’ll make their person known to you more clearly when they butter you up with some economics rizz about the investments they have in the entertainments industry. Thanks to being breastfed on capitalism, LSE students are also fiercely competitive, so don’t engage in any sort of contest with them, or you will find yourself dealing with one very scary finance bro.
If you’re going to a festival to live out your Coachella fantasies, Liverpool students are the people to get in with. They will have had their outfits planed on a Pinterest board since February, they’ve always got a digital camera to hand, and will be ready with a pack of Johnson’s baby wipes when you inevitably stack in in the mud river. What’s more, Liverpool students are sexy by nature so you’re more likely to bag a shag if you’re seen throwing shapes with them.
The Cambridge student has probably only been exposed to recreational drinking on the odd Wednesday night at Cindies, which is a club that plays the Pirates of the Caribbean theme tune semi-regularly for context. Because of this, Cambridge students will inevitably be suffering from a three-day-hangover after a few too many overpriced G&Ts on the first night left them with borderline alcohol poisoning. Look out for the Cambridge students people, they will be struggling.
Au contraire to the Cambridge student is the Bristol student, who has a wealth of knowledge on handling special substances. Bristol students are often a worrying sight at a festival, but don’t worry: their jaw isn’t actually falling off, that’s just the way they’re manufactured. Plus, it’s not just you who’s worried by them. The site security will have also got stressed ever since hearing the name “Izzy” hollered in a shrill Surrey accent.
When you find a Nottingham student at a festival, never let them go. They’ve had to navigate living alone in a city that’s literally nicknamed “Shottingham” and so don’t take any shit. The Nottingham students are bred to deck anyone who’s moving to their friends, and they will do so shamelessly. Just make sure you ice up the knuckles of your little midlands saviour after they inevitably save your backend.
Not entirely northern and not entirely southern, Birmingham students reside in between. They’ll be longing for the VIP area whilst living in a self-built crack den, trying to get a glimpse of the Sugababes from the rave tent, or drizzling their stale wrap with Waitrose mayonnaise. Don’t get me wrong, Birmingham students’ split identity means that they’re up for anything, but you might want to be careful around them if you don’t want to spend your weekend counselling an identity crisis.
The Cardiff student is the businessman of the festival goers, likely having snuck in a few crates of VKs to sell to the GCSE students who don’t have ID. They probably spend their profits on some questionable memorabilia, the inflatable willy being their first choice, and of course on getting plastered themselves. A good link to have on the inside, the Cardiff student will never let your glass run empty or your mouth run dry.
Sheffield students have no chill, and this will probably extend into the festival sphere. The Sheffield student, like a puppy on coke, will want to run around until they get themselves lost. Although a bit of a liability for the people they came with, the Sheffield student provides entertainment for whole festival population, and so deserves your respect.
Not quite elite enough to hang out with the other Oxbridge rejects who go to Durham, the York student is a very humble festival goer. They’re going to be the friendliest people there because they were just so happy to finally be invited. A York student will put you to bed when you get paralytic and will wake you up with a Berocca and some chips in the morning. Give your York student all your loving, they really need it.
Edinburgh students are seasoned professionals when it comes to festivals, since their parents have been taking them to niche arts and music festivals since conception. An Edinburgh student will reveal themselves as such when they demonstrate that they still think a flower crown is cool, or when they show off the pointy looking glitter tattoos they just got on their arm. Although their dress may be borrowed from 2012 tumblr, the Edinburgh charm will never go out of date.
Running into the Leeds student is pretty inevitable if you’re planning on missing the headline acts in favour of the “alternative” or “up and coming” bands. Whether playing an amateur bassline in a band them and their flatmates formed, or appreciating said bassline from a gothy crowd, a Leeds student is at that festival for the music and the music only. And they’re probably rolling their heavily lined eyes at you because you’re not.
The Manchester student has probably only come to this festival to take part in some sort of Just Stop Oil protest. The Manchester student ergo appears chaining itself to a tree, or more ironically, being chained up for doing so. The Manchester student has personal issues with the organisers of the event, despite having never met them, and is carrying around a tin of red paint in case they ever do.
You will not meet an Oxford student at a festival. I’m not even sure what it’s doing on the list. An Oxford student can only be found in the library.