All the gross things boys do that girls don’t even have a clue about

We can move our penises without touching them

4 years ago

Boys are horrible creatures. We can barely last a second without stuffing our hands down our trousers, we’re way too loud in groups and there’s always a crude joke to be made for everyone to groan at – and that’s from someone who has been one for 23 years. Some behaviour is inherent to our physiology, other behaviour is simply just because we revel in our grossness, but one thing is absolute – we have to take a step back and admit our flaws to make any progress on this planet we call earth.

However, amidst what we already know about boys being genuine goblins, there are so many even more repugnant and bizarre things we do that you didn’t even have a clue about. So, strap yourselves in, here are some of the worst things boys do that most girls don’t know about:

We can move our penises up and down using kegel muscles

Ask any boy – this is completely true and they’ll be surprised you didn’t know already. Although limited in movement, the male kegel muscles can be tensed to lift the penis up and down very slightly. This is considerably more dramatic when erect – next time you’re with your man, get him to demonstrate.

We can do the same with our balls

The same tensing of muscles, including coughing, can result in the balls lifting up and down. There is a fine art in controlling this, and the room must be warm so that they are nice and loose, but all men will be able to do it on command.

On that note, balls can slip inside your body when shagging

This is something even I wasn’t aware of until the boys’ group chat claimed it had happened to all of them several times. During sex (particularly doggy style), a testicle can become misplaced and actually go INSIDE you. They nonchalantly claimed that you simply push it back down from your groin with your fingers, which is enough to make anyone feel jelly-legged.

I’m equal parts disappointed this hasn’t happened to me as I am mortified that this is actually a thing. After Googling, I can confirm this is true. Doggy style will never be the same.

Weeing as far away from the toilet as possible, just… cos

Yup, we’re all about the small scientific experiments as Lads™. How far can we possibly urinate? Will this compromise aim? Will my housemates be mad that it’s now all over our brand new bath mat?

Using socks after masturbating

It’s not just a cliche, but rather an integral part of the process. Do you really think the majority of us plan it properly? Once you’re on the cusp, the last thing you want to do is get up and scurry around for the appropriate mopping device. Grab the nearest sock and chuck it straight in the laundry basket afterwards, bish bash bosh.

A sweaty sack occasionally calls for a wipe and sniff

Unlike the sweat produced from armpits, sweat produced from other crevices of the body is non-odorous. It’s absolutely shameful behaviour, but if you’d sniff your armpits to check the odour and that’s considered normal, why would you not check elsewhere?

Pissing the skidmarks away

Yes, it’s completely gross. Yes, we all do it. And yes, it’s also kind of helpful. You’re jealous because you have no aim.

Staring down whilst doing doggy

If you think that your partner is looking anywhere else other than straight at your backside whilst doing doggy, you’re wrong. It’s already one of the best and most comfortable positions, and then you have the added advantage of being able to gaze down and observe the hard work that you’re putting in. Lovely.

The same applies with any reflective surface

It’s hard to have sex when there’s a mirror in the room simply because, as soon as you catch that reflection, it’s hard not to carry on staring during what seems like a unique voyeuristic, third-person view into your own sex life. Patrick Bateman eat your heart out.

Speaking of which, other thoughts can and will pop into our heads during the deed

What better a time could there be to think about what you want for dinner or the life admin you need to tick off? Ah well, any motivation you had will be eviscerated as soon as you come anyway. Tim from the group chat perfectly sums up how simple beings we really are:

“I once thought about Surfs Up (starring Shia LaBeouf) once and I couldn’t remember the name of the chicken.

“I came.

“And I was like holy shit.

“It’s Chicken Joe.”

Lord, forgive us, for we have sinned.

Having a wee in the shower isn’t an odd treat, it’s almost mandatory

Come ooooon. You’re in absolute denial if you don’t, and this one is pretty much universal. Plus, there’s so many reasons why it’s a good thing:

The sink piss

One small step for man, quite literally – who can be bothered to go through all the effort of lifting the toilet seat up and aiming when there’s a perfectly good sink? As above, it’s economical, convenient and hygienic (sort of).

The bottle/glass/any other receptacle piss

Sorry, but when duty calls at 3 am after a solid night on the tinnies, we answer with the empty Evian bottle lying around on the floor. It’s the way things will forever be unless, worryingly, edible water bottles come back into fashion.

It’s sad but it’s true: faced without porn, we use what we must

Memories of past sexual encounters, fantasies of the ones that got away, the profile picture of that one random girl that liked your comment on Facebook last week. If you’re attractive and you like one of our Insta pics, I’m sorry but (if there are no other options) you’re probably wank material for a rainy day.

We can, and will, share photos of the girls we’ve slept with to group chats

Look, I know girls do this just as much (if not more) than guys, so this one is for us all. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a special spot in hell for those that share anything further than a few profile pictures/Instagram pics, but we all want to see the selfies from fitties that our group are pulling.

So, if we’ve learnt anything here, boys are disgusting, depraved, sexualised beasts and we really don’t deserve the affection of women. But we’re trying.