All the questions you need to stop asking LGBT+ people about their sex lives

Last week Troye Sivan was asked in an interview whether he was a top or a bottom. He refused to answer, then later called out the interviewer for the “wildly invasive, strange and inappropriate” question.

Troye's experience is all too familiar for LGBT+ people. Even at a pre drinks it's not massively uncommon for LGBT+ people to be asked about intimate details of their sex life by people they've never met.

It's nothing malicious on their part. It's more a case of the heteros being curious enough to ask, but not enough to educate themselves. Even so, some of these questions are seriously invasive, and these are the worst examples:

How many people have you had sex with?

Imagine a situation in which you ask a straight person, who you’re not that close with, their body count. Crazy, right? You’d seem like an absolute creep. Not if that person’s gay or bi though, that’s fine apparently!

People often do it in an effort to get you to “prove” your sexuality. Bisexual people will be asked it to prove they are “really” bisexual. Gay people will be asked it because people feel like they’re simply entitled to that information.

Asking girls who have sex with girls ‘How do you have sex?'

Bisexual girls, lesbians and essentially any woman that has had sex with a woman is absolutely fucking sick of this question. You can partially blame this on lesbian porn for portraying a completely unrealistic version of how two women have sex, which confuses everyone. Even lesbians. Oh, you think we scissor? That's so cute.

How hard is it to get your head around the fact that sex doesn’t require a penis entering a vagina to be legitimate sex? Wise up.

Asking a trans person how they have sex or how far they’ve transitioned

If you’re considering asking a trans person just exactly how they have sex, or how far they are in the transitioning process, maybe just don’t? Some people might be completely comfortable discussing their experience, but a lot of people won't be ready to tell you their life story or all the ins and outs of their genitals and sex life in such a casual setting.

If you want to know more about transitioning, maybe read up and don't rely on that person to be your guinea pig.

Asking ‘are you a top or bottom’?

You sigh as Emily asks you this at pre drinks. Emily has never tried anal. She never would. Secretly she thinks anal is some sort of weird fetish and doesn’t really count as real sex.

Her fascination with anal is the sexual equivalent of people who call non-white skin tones “exotic”. She only wants to know because she wants to hear you talk about anal and in some way vicariously experience it through you.

What’s a twink/bear, etc?

You're asking this not not because you want the answer, but because you already know it. James, I know you've tried watching a bit of gay porn here and there – let's not kid ourselves.

What’s your type?

It’s not like the heteros never ask each other what their type is – it is literally all they ask new contestants on Love Island. But the question still rings a little differently – the emphasis always falling directly on the last word, as though those who are into people of the same gender somehow think of physical types differently.

What is sex with other girls like?

This is asked almost exclusively by straight men. You'd think straight girls would ask it more, out of interest, but it's more unsavoury than that.

When guys ask it, it's basically a ploy to get you to give him a verbal blow by blow of the sex – aka his own personal porn. He wants to imagine you having sex with other women because girl on girl sex is always and exclusively for men’s enjoyment, obviously.

Also, asking two girls: ‘Can I watch?’

If you’re the type of person that still says this to girls, I really hope you get punched in the face soon.

What was it like coming out?

Errr… Very emotional and wait sorry have we met before? Some people are very happy to go over their coming out story because it empowers them and they want to show how normal it is. For others, it was long, tearful, and exhausting – not something they want to tell you in the smoking area.

Ditto: When did you realise you were gay?

Oh mate I was watching a Britney video and some static came out of the TV and next thing you know I’m into cock – isn’t that weird?

Do you think my friend is attractive? *Shows pic*

People assume that you will fancy anyone else who's also gay or queer. Obviously I’ll look on the off chance they're a spice, but chances are they're not and now I have to be really mean and inform you of that.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• How to have anal you won’t hate, by disappointed gays

• Should straight people go to gay clubs?

• I’m sorry to break this to you but Ross from Friends is a sexist homophobe