A definitive list of the ugliest things you can buy from Ivanka Trump's garbage fashion label

Here’s some good news: February was apparently the most successful month on record for Ivanka Trump’s fashion brand, meaning apparently being dropped from US department store Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom, and Bergdorf Goodman had absolutely no affect on sales!

Good to see small ethical businesses thriving on money they’ve made themselves by grinding from the ground up.

Anyway, a representative for the brand told The Telegraph that the sales hadn’t just improved, they’d gone up exponentially. They said: “During the month of February the Ivanka Trump brand sold the 11th most individual items on Lyst. “However, in January 2017 the brand was 550 in order count, showing an incredible sales increase of 346 per cent from January to February.”

“If you compare February to Ivanka Trump’s average orders in 2016, the brand sales increased 557 per cent.”

If there’s one thing we know about the Trump family it’s that the news they put out is true and real, and they definitely don’t lie about how well they’re doing. And with pieces like this, obviously it completely rings true that the label is doing so so well! It’s modern, it’s chic, it’s functional, it’s – well no, obviously it isn’t. It sells shit like this.

I like this cross-body floral wallet because it’s womanly enough to make me feel pretty, large enough to hold my tampons and bookmarks, and the strap is flexible enough to swing in front of my pussy on an adhoc basis when it’s about to be grabbed.

I’m not gonna make a joke it’s just a fucking ugly top which I might pay £8 for in H&M as a nice treat for a matronly teacher, but I would not pay 50 of your American dollars for.

I can only imagine that when Ivanka designed this tabbard she had in mind a sultry cafeteria lady who sometimes brings the hairnet into the bedroom with her and chain smokes as she dishes out sloppy joes, the ash falling onto the pyjama-wallpaper pattern of her beautiful smock.

Trypophobia is a big thing on Reddit and you’ve probably read a Facebook clickbait article on it. It’s that fear of irregularly clustered small holes or dots that gives you serious anxiety and I can only assume that Ivanka has deliberately recreated the pattern on this clutch bag because she comes from a family of supervillains and this is part of a wicked plan to make us all lowkey afraid.

“But Miss Hannigan, it’s cold in here and we have nothing to eat” – an orphan to you, their cruel mistress, dressed in this grey monstrosity. “Then you shall starve” – you, flouncing off in the grey monstrosity and leaving the orphans to the dregs of their similarly grey gruel.

Can only assume this is part of the collection to appeal to southern states where some people – would you believe it – wear plaid prairie tops unironically and harbour a dead seated hatred for contraception.

What the fuck is this?

Yeah, wondering if you can help me, I want a shoe that works for the beach and the office, a nice modern slingback. Oh yeah can you make the entire thing in fucking cork with a kitten hell? Nice. Yeah that’s definitely worth $125.