‘I was an absolute mess’: How a Leeds group is reshaping grief support for young people

Leeds is offering a new, “no pressure” environment for young adults navigating grief, thanks to a support group started by three students and graduates who know first-hand how isolating loss can be.

Grief Relief, open to adults aged 18 to 30, is tackling one of life’s most difficult conversations by creating relaxed environments for those who’ve experienced loss.

“It’s about making friends that have grief, rather than grief being the focus,” one of the founders explained.

After struggling to find grief support groups for young adults in Leeds, Master’s graduate Becca, 24, told The Leeds Tab that she decided to create her own. Younger sister Charlotte, 20, a Newcastle University student, and Emma, 25, a PhD student at the University of Leeds, soon got on board, and the group recently celebrated its first anniversary.

Grief Relief operates between Leeds and Newcastle, allowing Charlotte and Becca to both be involved.

Charlotte said the monthly meet-ups range from pub trips and coffee mornings to walks and pottery painting, adding that “even if you rocked up and didn’t mention your grief once”, it would be “absolutely fine.”

Becca (left), Charlotte (middle) and Emma (right)

Charlotte and Becca lost their dad at 14 and 18, respectively. His death came just two months into Becca starting her undergraduate degree at Manchester University.

“I was an absolute mess,” Becca said as she reflected on this period. She highlighted some of the unique challenges of grieving as a young person: She was 200 miles from home, navigating an unfamiliar city, building new friendships and establishing herself as an independent adult, all while stripped of her usual support systems.

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At just 14, younger sister Charlotte was also struggling. She found it difficult to accept the permanence of her dad’s death, and felt isolated because none of her peers had experienced anything similar.

“For a lot of young people, that newfound independence of university can be quite freeing. But for somebody who hasn’t had a stable home because they’ve lost a huge member of their family or a friend, that freedom can be quite scary,” Charlotte explained.

The idea for Grief Relief came when Becca, unfulfilled in her job and seeking a purpose, noticed a lack of grief support for young people in Leeds. She’d been following some grief groups on Instagram but they were all in London, so she decided to start her own: “I was just like: How hard could it be?”

Becca’s friend Emma, whom she met during their Master’s course in Leeds, had no idea she’d lost her dad because “it’s always really awkward to bring up,” Becca said.

So when Becca told her she was starting a grief support group, Emma was stunned. She’d also lost her dad at six and her stepdad at nine. The death of a parent was such a “foreign concept” to Emma’s peers that she’d also learned never to mention it.

This meant that despite their strong friendship, neither student had known of the other’s experience with loss.

The group explained how this moment highlighted a wider problem: People often avoid talking about grief for fear of making others uncomfortable. They attributed this to a lack of clear language and cultural framework for talking about death and mourning.

“We’re all people pleasers, so we try and make things as easy as we can for other people,” Becca said. But this well-intentioned instinct can be harmful to the grieving person, who is usually most in need of support.

The Leeds Tab asked the group how we can dismantle some of these barriers, to ensure people are better able to engage in conversations about grief.

Becca believes the key is understanding that grieving people “aren’t looking for advice.”

“It’s about validating how horrible it is without trying to fix it,” she added.

Becca continued: “Everyone wants to deal with it in different ways.

“It’s all about just asking what that person would like: ‘How can I support you best? How would you like me to bring this up? Would you like me to talk about your loved one? Or, would you prefer me to leave it alone, and we can distract you through other things?’”

Another common misconception the group highlighted is that grieving people don’t want to speak about their loved ones because it’s upsetting.

In reality, Becca said people often love to talk about the person they’ve lost. The act of remembering “keeps them alive” and allows for treasured experiences to be re-lived.

The group said they love talking about their dads “so much”, and even though it sometimes makes them upset, they explained how that sadness is a good thing because it shows how much their parent meant to them.

Becca added that if a person does become upset when you ask questions, it isn’t “your fault” and shouldn’t deter you from making that space available to them: “You shouldn’t be trying to avoid upsetting them, because they’re going to be sad. That’s just the nature of the situation.”

Charlotte added that if you do ask about someone’s loss, the questions should focus on who that individual was during their life, not on the circumstances of their death.

The group’s next meet up is at 2pm on Sunday 30th March, and will take place at Hyde Park Book Club in Headingley.

Becca explained the groups aren’t structured and are led by the attendees, with Charlotte adding there’s an important distinction between their group and counselling groups.

She said: “The whole point is to build a relationship and build a support system so if you ever do need help, you have those people around you that would understand.

“It’s not counselling. It’s not intense like that. It’s just a group of mates meeting up every month.”

Speaking about the group’s dynamic, Becca said you feel “an unspoken bond with people”, having all experienced such a transformative event at an early stage in life.

Emma said she understands it can be “quite daunting” to attend a meeting: “If you’re nervous, you can message us on Instagram, and one of us can meet you outside beforehand.”

Alternatively, Emma explained people can arrange to meet with a group member one-on-one for a chat, if they don’t feel comfortable in a group setting.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article and need immediate support, the following services are available.  

Leeds Nightline operates for all students in Leeds over the age of 16. Its helpline is open from 8pm to 8am and you can find its contact details here.

Cruse Bereavement Support is the UK’s leading bereavement charity, offering a number of resources for coping with loss. You can access the site here.

You can contact the Samaritans for free at any time, on any phone, by dialling 116 123. More details about the service are available here.

SHOUT is the UK’s free, confidential, 24/7 mental-health-based text service. To start a conversation, text the word “Shout” to 85258. You can access other resources offered by the service here.