What the Russell Group unis would totally put on their Hinge profiles: A scientific analysis

As students return to university, so do lonely singletons return to Hinge. Here’s a very serious and scientific analysis of what all the Russell Group unis would put on their Hinge profile, based on vibes and vibes alone. You just know the Uni of Exeter would use five pics of group skiing holidays with labradors.

University of Birmingham

Brum students all have a weird obsession with one really unremarkable clock tower. I reckon the uni would have a pic of them by this clock tower on their Hinge, and genuinely believe it radiated pheromones.

University of Bristol

Bristol Uni has a reputation of being full of champagne socialist students. So Bristol Uni’s Hinge profile would use the “My simple pleasures prompt” and write a small essay about all the unsustainable volunteering they did on their gap yaaaaaar.

Cardiff University

This uni is having lots of money problems – it had to cut ancient languages, and has a large deficit. The pics on Cardiff’s Hinge profile would all be from the same night out, because clubbing is rediculously expensive now and its been trying to save cash.

University of Cambridge

They’re all about those f*cking formals

Cambridge students have to make Cambridge their whole personalities because they get so much work that they don’t have time to do anything else of interest. If the first image isn’t of them wearing a silly-looking Harry Potter robe at a candlit formal dinner, then they’re not really at Cambridge. They’ll use the “A random fact I love” prompt and copy and paste the intro from their diss.

Durham University

Most Read

Five Guys worker responds after Bonnie Blue ‘harassed’ him to sleep with her at work

Squid Game designer reveals sad and cruel relevance of the rainbow floor in six-legged game

It’s everywhere, so here’s how you can find your Letterboxd Wrapped for 2024

This Uni would make it very clear on its Hinge that it’s inherently posher and better than everyone else around it. The pics would be as obnoxiously upper class as possible, to make it clear the uni would never consider mingling with the common rabble. Think selfies while skiing, holidays to the Caribbean, pics of friends who all have burgundy trousers and gilets. They’d use the “two truths and a lie prompt” and list three members of the British royal family they could be related to.

University of Edinburgh

Edinburgh’s Hinge profile would say what their Hogwarts house is. Like, in 2025. Because Edinburgh students seem unable to get over the city’s extremely tenous connection to Harry Potter.

University of Exeter

The University of Exetaaaaaaah wouldn’t even try to look posh on its Hinge profile. But because it went from a private school in a small town in the south of England to a very private school uni in a small town in the south of England, it has no awareness of what normalcy looks like. Exeter’s Hinge profile would feature pics of ski chalets, black labrador and tweed worn non-ironically. If a friend called it out and says, “babes, you should tweak this, because you look like a posh tw*t,” Exeter would just reply, “but Araminta Bridgerton-Windsor darling, everyone my age goes to Henley!”

University of Glasgow

Yummy
(Credit: Mike Peel via Creative Commons)

Glasgow is a secret hottie. I always forget how vibey the main campus buildings are. Like, you could film a fantasy show there with virtually no CGI. Glasgow doesn’t need loads of prompts or half-arsed jokes. The pics alone are enough to get constant matches.

Imperial College London

Imperial is usualy ranked as the best of the Russell Group unis for jobs, so its Hinge would be giving she-EO. Imperial would use five pics of themself in a suit in a shiny London skyscraper at a corporate sellout summer internship. They’d list their recent work experience and transferable skills under the “fact about me that surprises people” prompt. Imperial would get three roses a day from people who are looking for a man in finance (trust fund, 6’5, blue eyes).

King’s College London

King’s would fill their profile with pics of them wafting around vintage clothes markets while wearing a fringed jacked and a tote bag. They haven’t actually been to a vintage market in two years, but it’s the vibe they need to give off if they want to attract a boy who kind of looks like a malnourished Timothée Chalamet from a certain angle.

University of Leeds

Leeds’s profile is giving shabby chic. It’s giving drunken selfies by the kebab shop at 3am. It’s giving “I put this profile together in five minutes when I was drunk in Fresher’s Week but it gets so many likes that I haven’t changed it since”.

University of Liverpool

Liverpool Uni would have a pic of them in a ragged printed Beatles t-shirt, in a bedroom filled with vinyl records and posters. They’ll say their “typical Sunday” is going to gigs so they look cultured and cool (even though there are no gigs on a Sunday and Liverpool hasn’t produced much exciting music since the 1960s).

London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE)

I’m pretty certain people only go to LSE because they want to sell their souls to a finance job and make a f*ck load of money. So, LSE’s Hinge profile would be designed to draw in potential sugar babies. The uni would use the “this could be us” prompt with picture of them eating gold leaf-encrusted canapés on a superyacht near Mauritius.

University of Manchester

90 per cent of The Manchester Tab’s articles are guides to various club nights and I love that for them

Manchester is just objectively the wildest and druggiest out of all the Russell Group unis, and their Hinge profile should reflect this accordingly. The students there use the most ket, and the most weed. Manchester Uni’s Hinge profile is just their name and five pics of them in the club, with no context. They get 50 likes a day.

Newcastle University

This uni’s Hinge profile would feature a selfie of them on a club night with a Geordie Shore cast member who was paid to be there. They think that’s fun and sexy, and don’t realise that everybody else will be confused by it because nobody has watched Geordie Shore in at least a decade.

University of Nottingham

I can’t explain it but I just feel like the University of Nottingham would put more pics of their dogs on their profiles than their actual face. And say “first round is on me if… you’re funny” and think that’s an interesting thing to say.

University of Oxford

The love langauge of all Oxford students isn’t quality time or gifts, but twelth century Old Nordic grammar. Their profile would be designed to emphasise their braininess, because that’s what they look for in a partner (and that’s pretty much the only quality they have going for them). They’d use the “as seen on my Mum’s fridge” prompt with graduation photos from the twenty degrees they acquired by the age of eight.

Queen Mary University of London

Loads of Queen Mary students don’t actually live in London, but commute there from Essex. So I’m thinking Queen Mary’s Hinge profile would have pics of them in front of all the generic London tourist spots like the Southbank and Trafalgar Square, and say their “typical Sunday” is doing something obnoxiously London-y like “eating a Gail’s pastry in Hyde Park then visiting the Tate Modern while listening to Dua Lipa my neighbour”. This tricks Londoners into going out with them, thus securing them a bed closer to campus. It’s a foolproof plan.

Queen’s University Belfast

All Irish students seem to only know how to flirt by saying “you know, someone told me sometime ago that I like somewhat like Paul Mescal, or something”. This uni’s Hinge pics would be curated to making them look as Paul Mescal-like as possible – lots of wearing shorts in the middle of winter, and reading a book while drinking a pint.

University of Sheffield

See what I mean?
(Credit: BCDS via Creative Commons)

*Sigh*. Poor Sheffield isn’t a looker. The uni has one peng building (Firth Court) that’s all over the website. The rest of the campus ranges from very dreary to visual monstrosites *cough* The Diamond *cough*. For Sheffield’s Hinge, it would have to resort to using really zoomed out pics of itself with sunglasses on, or group photos in the hope that people will mistake one of the Sheffield’s hotter friends for the uni, and sent it a rose.

University of Southampton

The only thing Southampton kind of has going for it is that it’s sort of near the sea. The uni would use the “together we could” prompt and a picture of them at the beach or on a boat, because that’s literally the only interesting thing to do in Southampton.

University College London (UCL)

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that all University College London students live with their parents still because they can’t afford the stupidly expensive London rents. UCL is surely the most likely of all the Russell Group unis to use the “as seen on my Mum’s fridge” Hinge prompt non-ironically, with an actual picture of their mum’s fridge. They’ll have a photo of them at a smart event with their parents, because they haven’t ever lived with people their own age so haven’t developed the necessary awareness to comprehend that this is a weird thing to put on your dating profile.

University of Warwick

Warwick Uni’s Hinge profile would be such a catfish. Like, the uni would have pics of the vibey Warwick city centre and say they’re at Warwick uni. But when you suggest getting a drink, Warwick would reply, “ah no sorry babes I actually live an hour’s train ride away in Coventry”. FFS.

University of York

I swear the Uni of York is way posher than it lets on. Like, it’s the uni city where students get the most money from their parents, and it’s one of the UK unis with the most private school students. So I reckon York’s Hinge profile would be full of pics which look vaguely normal, but on closer examination are actually really rah. Like, you think that’s a pic of them at the beach with their mates, but it’s actually a sun lounger in their parents’ private villa in the south of France. This deliberately scruffy hoodie isn’t from H&M, it’s from Goose and Gander and cost like £50. That’s not a photo of them at a National Trust house, they’re just in the garden at great-great-aunt Marjorie-Henrieta’s 19-acre gated estate in Sussex. Plus, they’ll use the “My submission to National Geographic” promo with an obligatory selfie with that wretched duck (may he rest in peace).