The five types of people you’re bound to meet during your first semester at King’s

So, it’s your first semester at King’s. You’re geared up for an educational joyride filled with caffeine-fuelled night shifts in the library, existential crises, and an array of characters that could make the cast of a 2000s series of Big Brother look dull.

From the wannabe influencer that misread KCL as an excuse to live in London and make iced matchas their entire personality, to the long lost freshers legend who you’ll likely never see again after the first week of term, we’ve compiled a list of the five people you’ll inevitably encounter during your first semester here at King’s.

The Overachiever

Starting off strong, “The Overachiever”. You’ll spot them in the library (most likely Maughan), nose deep in a stack of books that could crush a small car. They’ve already written their dissertation, secured a grad job, memorised the entire reading list, and have a colour-coded planner more organised than Khloe Kardashian’s pantry.

Their constant presence in the library is frequent enough to make one question why they even bothered taking out a mortgage to afford student accommodation, when really they’d have been better off sticking up a few fairy lights in the corner of the reading room and calling it home for the year.

Don’t be fooled, however, when confronted on their borderline sinister levels of productivity, they’ll deny their presence in the library almost as stubbornly as Boris Johnson did in regards to “that” party.

The International Student

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“The International Student” is inquisitive yet mysterious, offering a unique perspective on student life that forces you to confront the fact that a pre-lecture lukewarm sausage roll from Greggs is a phenomenon that surely cannot be all there is to “British culture”. In addition to this forced epiphany, “The International Student” will undoubtedly be responsible for a few sombre evenings. You’ll be looking down at your Sambas in shame, as they rock up to Guy’s Bar in stilettos that could’ve been snatched directly out of the Carrie Bradshaw’s clutches.

It would be wrong to say that over-dressing is their only strong suit. However, it’s a skill that’s proven difficult to ignore when one comes to the realisation that sitting next to them in a 9am can often resemble the before and after makeover in a prime series of America’s Next Top Model.

They are likely to treat campus as their own personal photoshoot backdrop for their Instagram feed, and can we really blame them considering the hefty nature of their tuition fees? Get your money’s worth, girl.

The Northerner

It’s of my own biased opinion that “The Northerner” is an integral ingredient in the cultural melting pot that is King’s College London. Although their harmless yet borderline belligerent pride in regional identity can often translate as overbearing, it’s hard not to be drawn towards their charismatic nature when the influx of banter flows as freely as the bottles of VKs at The Vault.

Sympathy and commiseration are just two of the many feelings you’ll find yourself experiencing when faced with “The Northerner”. This may be down to the solemn look of disappointment on their face when they realise that the topics of conversation in the debate society tend to be a little more intellectual than whether gravy or garlic mayo is more complimentary to a box of cheesy chips. Equally, it may be down to the shock and disgust they experience upon registering that more than two quid has been taken out of their account for a beer at the local pub. We’re not in Newcastle anymore, Toto.

Although “The Northerner” excels in the art of a perfect cup of tea (“brew”, to those who celebrate), we can’t all be good at everything, with their Achilles’ heel being interior design – empty bottles on the windowsill won’t have Architectural Digest knocking on your door for a feature anytime soon, pal.

The Sport’s Night Veteran

“The Sport’s Night Veteran” is a character profile consisting of a variety of admittedly undesirable qualities. Picture the son of a distraught mother, whose first born child refuses to wave goodbye to their homegrown mullet. They pair this with an inauthentic deep voice that repeats the phrase “chill out mate, I’m only joking” as they empty their pint on your head and call it banter.

They usually have a personality that centres around their ability to shout loudly in unnecessary circumstances, and successfully launch a ball from one end of a field to the other. “The Sport’s Night Veteran” tends to be enrolled on some sort of business management degree. However, their real expertise typically lies in a different form of competency – the ability to chat any girl’s ear off until they begin to question their sexuality. Who can blame them?!

If you could get a first class honours in sport’s night attendance, these students would pass with flying colours, likely to prioritise a Wednesday evening filled with cheap vodka (followed by dance moves that resemble abstract performance art) over the birth of their own child. Admittedly, being in the presence of one of these primal creatures can be amusing on occasion, but like a relative from your dad’s side of the family, they’re only bearable in very small doses.

The Gap Year Champion

As much as one naturally tries to avoid any form of interaction with “The Gap Year Champion” that exceeds 30 seconds, it is an encounter that could be categorised as unfortunate and inescapable. Their tales of full moon parties in Thailand and one-on-one spiritual experiences with an elephant in Sri Lanka could culminate into a series even more over-exhausted than Riverdale.

They usually possess an accent that drifts alarmingly in and out of Australian, despite spending the entirety of their formative years in Guilford, Surrey.

Despite their greatest attempts to keep quiet and play it cool, their newfound zest for life will lead them to utter sentences such as “ugh, is this not just the most magical evening of your life?”…. No, Stephanie, I’m £200 deep in my overdraft and we’re stood by an overflowing dustbin in Elephant and Castle.

By now, you should be well-versed in the art of identifying the vast plethora of characters that you’re sure to become acquainted with during your first semester at King’s. My parting words to you, the attentive reader, would be to embrace this unique experience, though it can often feel like a nightmarish blunt rotation.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Here are 10 ways to be an academic weapon this semester at King’s
• Six of the biggest lies King’s students tell themselves at the start of the semester
• Six things you should never do as a student at King’s College London