Every New Year’s resolution Bournemouth students are going to make, but won’t keep

New Year, same lies we tell ourselves

11 months ago

Every year is the same. You write a nice little list of New Year’s resolutions, vowing to better yourself in every way possible. You make the Pinterest board, get the new workout clothes, and the productivity app. Just writing the list is enough to make you feel productive and give you that sweet sweet dopamine release.

But one week in and you’ll have forgotten half of them, hit up the pub twice and done one 10 minute workout video. Here are five New Year’s Resolutions Bournemouth student’s will abandon in a week.

I’m going to be soooo on it with my dissertation

Does this sound like you?

“Yeah I’m gonna be an academic weapon. I’ve got this super cute Notion layout that’s so motivating. My supervisor said it’s shocking how little I’ve done… but I’m in my comeback era I swear!”

If so, you might have a fatal case of dissertation delirium. Common symptoms include saying you’re going to do “two solid hours” of writing after your lecture, but getting tucked up in bed the second it gets dark at 4pm, or travelling all the way to the library with a sweet treat, but scrolling through Asos or Pinterest for five hours instead.

I’m going to be fitness legend

May god have mercy on the sportBU staff, because our tiny Talbot gym is going to be heaving come January.

You make a resolution to be healthier (you won’t), eat better (just a quick meal deal) stretch more (sleep more).

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You say you’ll walk to uni, but that dreary January weather disagrees. Two minutes in and you’ll be checking your app for the next 17. The Better Gym closing down was a sign, people!

I’m not going to drink

Ah, Dry January. This is half achievable, since you’ll likely be stuck inside working, keeping safe from the rain. The threats lie in the cheeky spiked hot chocolate and dinner vino. Not to mention those £2.50 drinks during Dylan’s happy hour. Don’t be too hard on yourself, any money spent at TOFs goes back into the SUBU funds, so if you think about it hard enough, it’s like you’re not spending money at all.

I’m not going out, I swear

You vow to be a hermit, at least until your deadlines are over. Just like not drinking – it looks simple, but becomes increasingly difficult. It might not be a full night out but a cheeky trip to the Mary Shelley or the Parkstone and Heatherlands is just too easy to fall into. It’s for morale, right?

I’m going to save money

You’re not going to keep this resolution because Bournemouth Uni has a cutesy little cafe every two buildings that make your pathetic packed lunch look vile. A quick nip in for a little sweet treat is all too tempting. Have fun carrying a fork to uni for your cold pasta. Just get the coffee.

I’m going to quit vaping

Bournemouth Uni became a smoke free campus but they didn’t say anything about your Strawberry Ice Lost Mary. You say you’re gonna quit but know full well you’re gonna be sneaking puffs in between the lecturer’s technical difficulties. The amount of abandoned vapes I’ve seen on campus is shocking, and it will no doubt change with the new year because everybody knows you’re not going to stop vaping.