This is exactly what your Fallow-een costume says about you

Time to dust off those devil ears

1 year ago

The days are getting darker, an endless swarm of leaves are carpeting the ground and the infamous PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte, for those living under a rock) has returned to Starbucks. This merely means one thing: Halloween is nearing.

As our dear darling Cady noted in Mean Girls: “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”. Music to my ears. October 31st is the perfect excuse to wear the smallest, yet sexiest items of clothing one can find; an outfit that would probably disgust my parents yet get that failed situation-ship to text me again.

Glorified lingerie, bunny ears and handcuffs are just a few of the essentials shoved in the back of wardrobes that come out to play for their annual debut. So, whether you are a last-minute throw-something-together type of person or perhaps you have meticulously planned and curated your costume ever since November 1^st 2022, here are six costumes and what they say about you from the opinion of someone who has unashamedly attempted almost all of these.

Magic Mike / Adam Sandler

So basically, you are one of the boys, find girls draining to be around and let me guess, your perfect night is watching the footy with plenty of beer? Thought so. Although I can’t deny the allure of simply just wearing jorts and a vest and calling it a night, I feel the comedic effect is simply wearing off. One can only see a certain number of girls with drawn on beards and backwards caps before the cringe sinks in.

Cowgirl / pirate

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Cowboy boots, corsets and y2k galore. Look, if I had bought some outrageously overpriced cowboy boots off Depop, I would opt for this one as well. Dressing as a cowgirl or pirate is the Depop girly’s perfect excuse to finally whip out her proof that yes, she is indie and yes, they are vintage and GOD NO, she does not shop at high-street brands. Did I mention they were vintage cowboy boots?

Barbie

Oh, come on. You can do better than this. I can’t deny that I may have gone to watch this year’s cinematic epic twice, and I most-definitely-almost-certainly did not cry multiple times. However, I have an increasing fear of seeing a sea of blondes, natural and fake united, desperately trying yet miserably failing to capture the pink magic of Barbie’s iconic costumes. Sometimes it’s best to admit defeat and leave it for the professionals (aka Margot Robbie).

The little black dress

Two words. Pick. Me. Apologies for the brutality, but I believe that those who opt for this, in the hopes of appearing effortless, aloof and lowkey are screaming I AM TRYING VERY HARD. Or you are just lazy. Nonetheless, I can admit that going all black is an undeniably complimentary and safe option, especially when that slightly paralytic girl at the party gets a bit too close with the red wine. Cheap and easy, it provides a perfectly suitable last-minute costume for the lazier of us Halloween-goers.

Bunny

I admire the dedication to looking hot despite freezing your tits off. I really do salute you. I mean when did an alcohol jacket ever fail, right? Bonus points if you recreate Regina George’s iconic bunny costume as well. With this one, you really are taking the whole “less is more” thing to the next level. I mean you physically can’t wear less than a bodysuit and fishnets without potentially catching hypothermia, and after just about surviving this year’s pandemic of Freshers’ Flu, you could really use a break. Oh and you most definitely can recite the script of Mean Girls word for word.

A niche character

So, you’re basically better than the rest of us. You’re just that slightly yet crucial bit more witty, sophisticated and satirical. You stand at the sidelines of the party, the spokesperson for the misunderstood and the outsiders, Gatsby’s Nick Carraway of Fallowfield. Although your costume may be quirky and unique, I am confident that you will spend the whole night explaining who you’ve come as to an array of disinterested and disorientated faces, thus leaving the night questioning whether you really should’ve just gone for a zombie. I hope it was worth it.

The classics

Sometimes, the more basic the better. And you’re owning it, I’ll grant you that. The Classics (aka angel, cat or a leopard etc) are ultimately uninspiring, unimaginative and yet provide a perfect excuse to whip out your extremely slinky yet miniscule LBD that never lets you down. Throw in some fishnet tights, a pair of white contact lenses and some token cat ears and you’re going to look hot. You are unashamedly trying your very best to look as sultry as possible and you will most likely succeed. You know the power of the LBD and are using it to your advantage. Fair play.