The type of tattoo you should probably get based on your Manchester Uni halls

TW Roasting and stereotypes

2 years ago

Don’t hate me, but I think a serious assumption can be made about you on the basis of your tattoo. As a proud tattoo owner myself (I got my first tattoo of a snake on my bum blackout drunk in Brighton, my second and third done in a hostel in Tamarindo – I’m not one to talk), I find it fascinating to discover what ink you choose to put on your body. First year at uni is the perfect time to ink yourself up. Your parents will probably hate it and you but YOSO (you only student once!)

Oak House

I am unashamedly an Oak House girl through and through. I simply love the black mould when I’m showering and the rats running around at dinner time. Oak house is filled with horny teenagers straight out of sixth form who are in the process of learning how to put on a condom and stomach a shot (Sycamore), or 20-somethings discussing how the flat conditions make you reminisce of your days living in a slum on your gap yah (Beech). Oak House people are easily the most fun yet feral on a night out (defo not biased). A Dragon Soop, a bag and your mate’s decks are all you need for a good night out.

I grant you a stick and poke on your bum. An absolutely feral tattoo probably done in a back alley while travelling or when you were 16 in a Maths class. It might be of a penis, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say it’s a smiley face.

Woolton Hall

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Admittedly I don’t really have much to say about the Woolton crew. There isn’t really anything about you lot to roast, as there’s not much to say about you lot in general. You’re catered and ermm, sorry let me just search my witty mind for something to say…. there’s nothing. You’re sort of an Oak house wannabe, but you also lack in the skills to cater for yourself which makes you automatically a bit of an outsider and slightly embarrassing.

I grant you an egg and bacon tattoo on your arm, on the verge of being semi funny but also slightly weird and makes the people around you nervously laugh then exchange looks afterwards.

Richmond Park

You’re in Richmond Park. You’re effectively the average norm. You’re the in between category. Let’s be honest, you were an Unsworth reject and no one wanted you at Oak House either. You’re not quite fun enough to be in Oak House. You do have enough money to your name to have an ensuite, but not enough for the double bed. You tag along to any party you can because, let’s be honest, Richmond’s flat parties aren’t the one. Nonetheless you’re fun on a night out and almost always have a bag nearby.

I grant you a butterfly tattoo on the back of your neck. Fun, basic, could potentially be classy but easily forgettable. Sums you up!

Unsworth

You’re in Unsworth, you’re most likely living off Daddy’s trust fund, because god forbid the parentals let you live in squalor. You love coming to Oak House for a proper dirty mingle with the commoners, but you’re delighted to come back to your double bed and ensuite. You are also targeted at most nights out, no matter your looks, as everyone wants a one night stand in an Unsworth double bed (admit it).

I grant you an underboob red heart. Expensive and well done. Enough to earn you the bragging rights at every night out that you’re not like the others and you have a tattoo, yet small enough so Daddy doesn’t cut you out of the will and still lets you come on the family ski holidays in Switzerland.

Sheavyn

You’re in Sheavyn. You’re probably a hippie lounging on the outskirts of Fallow. Sheavyn gang keep to themselves, they don’t really have friends outside of Sheavyn, or if they do, it’s because they have no friends in Sheavyn. You will never see a Sheavyn group mingle with a group from elsewhere – it’s mathematically impossible. You have a slightly quirky and hipster vibe to you that, while unique, is also slightly scary.

I grant you a snake tattoo on your arm. Edgy, cool but also slightly threatening.

Ashburne

You’re in what used to be an all female halls which has now allegedly become mixed. I’ll believe it when I see a boy walking out of those doors. You’re probably a rigid feminist with a love for discussing the damnation of the patriarchy over a cup of tea or a glass of wine on a particularly wild Friday night. You’re potentially a JK Rowling stan, don’t know if that’s too controversial to say these days, so cancel me quick!

I grant you a “GRL PWR” tattoo on your wrist, potentially a female gender symbol on the other if you’re a particularly avid feminist.

Uttley

Genuinely don’t know anyone who goes to Uttley, just that it has a great working space that gets rinsed by all of Oak House, some lovely sofas and a bar that is almost always empty. It sort of reminds me of an old people’s home. Ironic as it’s also the best place to have a blem break in the sun. You’re either invisible or very antisocial as I have never met anyone who comes from Uttley or seen anyone go into a room there. Definitely the enigma of all the halls. Do message me if you hear of life inside Uttley – I’ll be intrigued to meet these ghost tenants.

I don’t know you so I don’t feel I’m in a position to actually comment on something as controversial as a tattoo. Therefore I grant you a sleeve, the most controversial of them all (and I feel a sleeve had to feature once in this article).